Dealing with Anger

CONTENTS
1. Tools for Parenting Teens
2. Links to Learn From
3. Inside Your Teen's World
4. Learn Their Lingo
5. A Little Encouragement...And Humor

===========our sponsor===========IT'S A DIRTY WORD...BUT SOMEBODY'S GOT TO DO IT!
In this practical book, youth ministry veteran Les Christie will help you take a positive approach to discipline when it becomes necessary. "When Church Kids Go Bad" will:
- Reveal the reasons behind problem behavior and show you how to take a positive approach to discipline
- Teach you how to use rules and consequences effectively
- Help you evaluate your strengths and weaknesses in discipline situations (and improve your areas of weakness)
- Give you dozens of specific, practical, helpful ideas you can use immediately with your students
Learn more about and purchase the book, "When Church Kids Go Bad" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=431
*Save 30% off the retail price of "When Church Kids Go Bad" when you purchase it at the YS Store and use coupon code YPNOT1. This offer expires 10/15/08.
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1. TOOLS FOR PARENTING TEENS
This week's excerpt is from the book "When Church Kids Go Bad," by Les Christie. In this excerpt you'll explore some ways to handle anger--or even better, how to keep frustration from growing into anger. We've edited it a little to be less ministry-specific, since we know that parents, too, have to deal with angry teens (and may become angry themselves sometimes!).

PREVENTING MOLEHILLS FROM BECOMING MOUNTAINS
There are times when you'll get angry with your teen. That's the nature of this ministry. But here are a few dos and don'ts to help you prevent molehills of frustration from growing into mountains of anger:
Don't...
- Use a sarcastic tone or put kids down.
- Quit.
- Get into a power struggle.
- Humiliate.
- Ignore bad behavior.
- Be surprised at bad behavior.
- Do anything drastic until you listen a lot, think a lot, and pray a lot.
- Allow discussions to turn into destructive arguments.
Do...
- Pause before taking "official action." Always count to 10. Better yet, try 110.
- Admit your anger.
- Ask the person to talk with you privately.
- Speak firmly.
- Make it clear you expect good behavior.
- Enlist other adults for advice, help, prayer, and support.
- Intervene immediately when violent behavior occurs.
- Notice good behavior and tell the person.
- Cool off briefly before you discuss the problem with the person.
- Be specific about the behavior you object to.
- Apologize if you're wrong.
- Allow the person to save face.
- Demonstrate forgiveness to the person who made you angry.
- Share a prayer of thankfulness when the conflict is over and the problem resolved.
- Ask the person what course of action they think you should follow. (The "misbehaver" often has a good idea that will take care of the situation.)
When Young People Get Angry
Of course, it's not just adults who get angry. As [parents] we're dealing with kids who sometimes struggle to handle their own emotions. It's important to recognize the kinds of things we may do that can anger the young people we [live] with.
In his book "How We Make Our Kids Angry"(2007), Roger Cross suggests some primary ways adults make teens angry:
- Pressuring teens to be something they are not. Pushing, cajoling, nagging, or "guilting" kids into a particular life direction or career path without considering their wishes or dreams.
- Loving teens for what they do instead of who they are. Raising kids in a performance-based environment.
- Favoring some teens over others. When kids sense disparity, they become hurt and angry.
- Treating teens with disrespect. Violating kids' self-esteem through insults and humiliation.
Children often store up a great deal of anger because they do not have adequate means of releasing feelings of frustration, confusion, and helplessness. Teenagers, however, have greater opportunity and ability to release these charged feelings. The combined force of pent-up anger from the past and current anger sometimes causes teenagers to overreact.
Adolescent anger is often closely associated with the need to rebel or push away from parents and other authority figures. Energy from the anger is used to strengthen the pushing-away process. Angry reactions may also express a young person's need to gain a greater sense of control over her life. Although these emotions can be uncomfortable and often scary to deal with, they can be normal and healthy when handled appropriately.
But when such anger is mishandled, it can turn into rage, hostility, or resentment. Rage is anger that is so intense that it is beyond a person's control. Hostility is anger that is felt for a longer period of time and involves the wish or impulse to inflict pain or harm to the object of the anger. Resentment develops when a hurt or transgression is not confronted and forgiven.
Don't try to win an argument with an extremely angry young person. You can't--she will only get angrier. The young person needs to get the anger out before you can reason with her. She needs to get it out in a way that will not cause any damage. Don't let her repress it, or it will simply go underground and build.
Be thankful when a young person trusts you enough to let you see his anger. Try to stay calm as he pours out all his anger. After the anger is out, he will be emotionally drained and more open to your input. Be sure to affirm him by telling him you are proud that he didn't take his anger out in more aggressive ways.
Now Ask Yourself
1. How do you handle anger in your own life? What are some ways you can improve your ability to deal with difficult situations?
2. Make a list of positive ways to dispel anger.
3. How would you handle an extremely angry teenager?

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Les Christie has spent more than forty years in youth ministry, including more than twenty years in the same church. An energetic speaker, Les also chairs the youth ministry department at William Jessup University. He's the author of more than a dozen books and lives in California with his wife, Gretchen, where he no longer has to discipline his two grown sons, Brent and David.
Learn more about and purchase the book, "When Church Kids Go Bad" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=431
*Save 30% off the retail price of "When Church Kids Go Bad" when you purchase it at the YS Store and use coupon code YPNOT1. This offer expires 10/15/08.
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2. LINKS TO LEARN FROM
Music Review: "Paper Planes" by M.I.A.http://www.planetwisdom.com/music/reviews/mia_paperplanes.php
Revolution Health: Parenting Teens & Preteenshttp://www.revolutionhealth.com/healthy-living/parenting/teens-preteens/index
3. INSIDE YOUR TEEN'S WORLD...Random things you may not have heard about...
Bum Rap: The latest and perhaps most disturbing evolution of clothing with suggestive phrases on the backside, and what schools are doing about ithttp://www.newsweek.com/id/157223
The Secret Lives of Your Kids Onlinehttp://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26747108/
4. LEARN THEIR LINGO...Some slang and texting lingo for you to speak (or at least understand)
- Tina = Slang for Crystal Meth. "I'm looking for Tina"
- Troop = n. a long walk or trip. "Taco Bell? That's a troop and a half."
5. A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT...AND HUMOR
"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex." ~ Jack Handey

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