1. TOOLS FOR PARENTING TEENS
For our last newsletter in 2008, Jim Hancock shares how to open up dialogue with your teen by simply asking what, why, and how.
THE THREE BEST QUESTIONS
The three best questions I know are explorations of what, why, and how:
- Talk about what you think is important.
- Talk about why you think it's important.
- Talk about how you think that changes things.
I like these questions because they're honest. They're not meant to persuade or challenge or compel; they're meant to clarify.
Asking what, why, and how questions is an offer to pay attention to another person's perceptions, thoughts, ideas, hopes, and intentions. If you can get honest answers to these three questions, you'll know where things stand with the other person and you'll have an idea of what to do next.
Begin with any human experience--a movie, a sermon, a song, an argument, a book, an accident, an aha!, a success, a failure, a passage from the Bible, a discovery...anything at all. Then ask, "Tell me what you think that was. What just happened?"
Don't get hung up on the wording; there's more than one way to ask what.
What? = What do you think happened? = What stood out for you? = Did anything surprise you? = Describe it to me. = Tell me about it...
Whatever words you use, what questions invite a person to describe her own perceptions of an experience. It really doesn't matter what experience; what matters is hearing her describe it (so you don't just assume, or guess, or wish). The same is true for why questions.
Why? = So what? = Why is that significant to you? = Why do you think it happened? = Tell me more about that...
However you ask, the why question explores why, out of all possible meanings, did this one occur to you? The answer can tell you something you couldn't know if you didn't pose the question.
Asking why can be the catalyst for deeper reflection by the person on the receiving end of the question:
- Asking, "Why do you think you identified more closely with that character than the others?" invites reflection about empathy and compassion.
- Asking, "Why do you think you misunderstood that?" invites a person to consider why he heard something that wasn't said.
- Saying, "Talk about why you find that comforting" calls for self-assessment and invites self-disclosure.
And so it goes... These are all valuable considerations people--especially adolescent people--are not often encouraged to share in an emotionally safe context.
How is the money question because it clarifies what a person actually learned?
How? = Now what? = How do you plan to respond? = How will that make a difference? = How does that change things? = Tell me what you intend to do about that.
Kids who can answer how questions--especially if they follow through on their intentions to behave differently, to repeat a success, or to avoid a failure--have really learned something from their experience.
Simplicity is part of the beauty of this process. Once you learn to ask these questions naturally and unselfconsciously, you can help kids understand what you're doing and why. For the last couple of decades, I've urged kids to ask these three types of questions at the end of every reading assignment and class session--promising they'll raise their grade by half a point minimum. I have yet to hear from any dissatisfied customers.
Here's why I think this works: I think these three questions swing the spotlight around to where it belongs--so we can see the learner. We already have a pretty good idea what the teacher knows; it's right there in the presentation (whatever that may be). Transferring wisdom isn't merely a matter of making statements--what passes for teaching most of the time. Transferring wisdom depends on engaging students where they are and helping them take the next step toward where they need to go.
I've come to believe that people learn what they can learn--what they're prepared to learn--not what they're supposed to learn. Good teachers don't pour knowledge into people; good teachers create intriguing environments where learners find what they need to modify or build on what they've learned so far. As a teacher the best tool I have for that task is engaging kids in new experiences (of whatever sort) and then asking what, why, and how.
**
Jim Hancock invested two decades as a church-based youth worker. Now he spends his days in Leucadia, California, writing and creating digital movies and learning designs like "Raising Adults," "The Justice Mission," and the "Good Sex" curriculum for youth workers, parents, and adolescents.
Learn more and purchase "How to Volunteer Like a Pro" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=1845
*Save 30% off the retail price of "How to Volunteer Like a Pro" when you purchase it at the YS Store and use coupon code YPNDC3. This offer expires 12/31/08.
**
2. LINKS TO LEARN FROM
Late to Launch: The Come-Home Kids [Palo Alto Online]http://www.paloaltoonline.com/news/show_story.php?id=10383
Teen Smoking Rates Decline [NY Times] http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/16/health/research/16smoking.html?_r=1&ref=health
U. Device Disables Cell Phones to Prevent Use While Behind the Wheel [Salt Lake Tribune]http://www.sltrib.com/news/ci_11198256
3. INSIDE YOUR TEEN'S WORLD...Random things you may not have heard about...
Flirting Goes High-tech with Racy Photos Shared on Cellphones [USA Today]http://www.usatoday.com/tech/news/internetprivacy/2008-12-09-high-tech-flirting_N.htm
Falling Asleep in Class? Blame Biology [CNN] http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/12/12/sleep.teenagers.school/
4. LEARN THEIR LINGO...Some slang and texting lingo for you to speak (or at least understand)
- Mad skills = An incredible ability to jump high.
- No diggity = No doubt.
5. A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT...AND HUMOR
"The best way to keep children at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of the tires."~ Dorothy Parker
copyright 2008 :: Youth Specialties300 S. Pierce St. El Cajon, CA 92020 888.346.4179
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Keeping your kids safe on the internet
CONTENTS
1. Tools for Parenting Teens
2. Links to Learn From
3. Inside Your Teen's World
4. Learn Their Lingo
5. A Little Encouragement...And Humor
===========our sponsor===========WISDOM ON...MUSIC, MOVIES & TELEVISION
We all love a good song, movie, or TV show. But not everything out there is good for us. This book won't tell students what they should not listen to or watch. Instead, this book is filled with principles to help them gain the wisdom needed to help them make wise choices about what they choose to be entertained by.
Learn more and purchase "Wisdom On...Music, Movies & Television" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=410
*Save 30% off the retail price of "Wisdom On...Music, Movies & Television" when you purchase it at the YS Store and use coupon code YPNDC2. This offer expires 12/24/08.
================================
1. TOOLS FOR PARENTING TEENS
This week's newsletter features an article on Internet predators from Mark Matlock, founder of WisdomWorks Ministries. With popular media focusing on the topic through shows such as Dateline: To Catch a Predator, Matlock researched the latest information about online safety for kids. His findings just may surprise you. Editor's Note: We believed it is best for you to have this information in its entirety, rather than break it up into a short series of articles. As a result, this week's article is longer than normal. We hope you'll find the information helpful.
IS THE INTERNET FULL OF CHILD PREDATORS?
Recently on my PlanetWisdom blog (http://www.planetwisdom.com/marksblog/) I replied to a youth pastor's question about some Internet snooping software and my opinions about technologies that allow parents to spy on their kids.
I was rather shocked by the responses I received from angry parents questioning my judgment (mainly via email) and realized that either I was completely off-base in my response, or many parents are buying into a story about online safety without doing their homework.
So I did my homework and what I found was pretty interesting.
There is a small number of researchers who have been assessing the severity of online crime against children and adolescence. While any crime against a child is very serious, most researchers seem to agree that there is irrational fear over the dangers on the Internet. One study conducted with a grant from the Justice Department (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Justice_department) has actually gone through two cycles of research to measure the changes from the year 2000 to 2005. Most of the research I will share with you was released between 2006 and 2008 and is the most current information I could obtain.
1. The media's portrayal of online predators is not consistent with what is actually happening.
The idea that sexual molesters are using the Internet to deceptively prey on youth is what most stereotypically comes to mind when we imagine an "online predator". While these incidents are indeed serious, they are not as frightening as the public has come to believe. While there are incidents of adults soliciting teens on the Internet, most were not done in the predatory manner the public has come to believe. Most online sexual solicitations happen to teenagers and originate from other teens and 20 somethings. Of those interactions where an adult was involved, the adult did not hide their age or use deception. Most were up front about their interest in some form of sexual engagement. Most teens involved in this behavior were participating in specific "at risk behaviors" and met other criteria (read the following report in footnote for more). The average teen not engaging in these behaviors were rarely engaged. The report also mentions that posting personal information is not in itself an at risk behavior. (1)
The research goes as far to indicate that talking generally to strangers online is not what puts kids at risk because teens who find themselves in these situations are looking for these kinds of encounters. In fact of those teens who had received an unwanted sexual solicitation 75% said they did not find it distressing and were not psychologically harmed. (2)
Dr. Finkelhor (http://www.unh.edu/frl/finkelhor/) who is a primary researcher in this field and an expert in matters of children and sexual abuse had this to say. "It turns out that the young people who are vulnerable to these kinds of crimes, they're going online looking for things they're not getting in their families and in their life. There needs to be information about this that's available on the Web and the places where these young people hang out. It is important for parents to have conversations about Internet safety, but those conversations should probably be less about giving out personal information and more about what to do if somebody starts to talk with them about sex, and how to deal with inclination to post sexy pictures of yourself or information about yourself that suggests an interest in a sexual relationship." (3)
2. From 1992 – 2008 there has been a 53% drop in sexual offenses against children. (4)
This goes far beyond the public perception of increased vulnerability and abuse of children. When you consider that the Internet grew during that twelve year span, it would appear that the Internet is not increasing the amount of abuse that is going on in our world. In fact, offline abuse still significantly outnumbers that which occurs online. When one considers that the vast majority of sex crimes against children and teens are committed by someone they know, probably going to church is more dangerous than interacting with someone online. (In fact, 44% of Internet sexual offenders were family members, and 56% were known to the victim offline (friends, neighbors, teachers, youth workers etc). The number of online incidents with a complete stranger are so rare they are statistically non-existent). (5)
3. What is clear is that children and teens are more likely to encounter "unwanted" sexual content when involved in the Internet.
There is some debate among the research as to how much of a threat this is compared to traditional forms of finding sexual material offline (i.e a fathers porn stash, or something shared by a friend). What is of note is that there has been a dramatic decline in "unwanted" exposure from 2000 to 2005 as laws and industry self-policing have are working to keep sexual material from reaching the eyes of minors. In fact the majority of incidents involved adolescents and the incidents of pre-pubescent solicitation of adult material was almost non-existent. But there is still a significant increased risk of a minor encountering unwanted sexual content on the Internet. (6)
WHAT CAN WE LEARN FROM ALL OF THIS?
1. We need to be careful about what we believe.
As parents how we perceive the world around us greatly impacts how we parent. Much of the harm we do as parents is motivated by a desire to do the right thing, we just do it in the wrong way. My upcoming book and seminar titled "Real World Parents" (http://realworldparents.com) address this need to have an accurate understanding of culture as we seek to biblically guide our children toward spiritual maturity. Christians live in a marketplace that utilizes fear to sell books, fill conferences, and raise money. We need to be wary about any "data" we are given even by our trusted Christian leaders (read: "Evangelicals Behaving Badly with Statistics" by Christian Smith in Christianity Today. http://www.christianitytoday.com/bc/2007/001/5.11.html).
2. We need to realize that stranger danger is not the best safety message.
Most crimes against children occur by a family member or someone the child knows. Consider that out of the nearly 800,000 missing children reported last year only 115 were the victims of a complete stranger or someone the child only "slightly" knew! (7) Researchers claim the key to teaching our children about safety is helping them identify behavior that is unusual or improper from peers and adults be they strange OR familiar. Children also need to know what to do when they are experience these behaviors from others. Most strangers would definitely help a child in need, we don't want to scare them from this valuable source of help!
Bottom line: the best safety measure is being involved in the lives of your kids without violating their need to mature and become self reliant.
3. We don't want to live in fear, but the Internet does have a dark side so we need to be wise.
While I have been making a case that the Internet may not be the safety concern many might believe, this doesn't mean we shouldn't be careful as parents. Keep the computer in a public place, do not allow your kids to have passwords unknown to you, talk with your kids about their online interactions like you would other interactions they have throughout the day.
But please realize that 85% of school aged kids have access to the Internet outside the home and filters and monitoring software are easily worked around. Think of tools like these as very light protections that do not replace solid training. When my kids were little I didn't let them play with bottles of poison, but I didn't trust a child safety cap either. I taught them the dangers of these products so even if they came in contact with them, they would know what to do.
What is more, if your children are involved in questionable online behavior, your family (not just the child in question) probably need to seek professional counseling. The studies show that most teens who engage in dangerous Internet behaviors are doing so as a result of problems and unmet needs at home. This is not a time to be proud. Get the help you need.
4. Be aware that research is showing that online interactions are actually good for your kids.
You may not get it as a parent, but the evidence is giving online activity a thumbs up. It won't be long and your kids will be armed with this data too! Celebrate the positives of the Internet.
Researchers, including participants from University of California-Berkeley and University of Southern California, conducted interviews, studied diaries, convened focus groups and collected nearly 10,500 profiles on sites such as Facebook and Neopets. The $3.3 million study, funded by the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation, found that youths use online networks to extend friendships, acquire technical skills, learn from each other, explore interests and develop expertise. This all takes "ongoing maintenance and negotiation."
In what researchers call "hypersocial" behavior, media at the fingertips enable teens to always be connected. And instant messaging, text messages and Facebook have changed dating as well: Couples "telecocoon," creating a full-time intimate community even while physically apart.
As for mere socializing, "It is not a waste of time for teens to hang out on-line," said Mizuko Ito, a professor at the University of California-Irvine and lead researcher for the study "Living and Learning with New Media." Kids on-line, the study said, are learning to be "competent citizens in the digital age." (8)
FOOTNOTES AND SOURCES
1. Online "Predators" And Their Victims, Myths, Realities, and Implications for Prevention and Treatment 2008 by the American Psychological Association 0003-066X/08/$12.00 Vol. 63, No. 2, 111–128 DOI: 10.1037/0003-066X.63.2.111
2. David Finkelhor, Kimberly J. Mitchell, and Janis Wolak. Online Victimization of Youth: Five Years Later. Alexandria, Virginia: National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, 2006
3. National Public Radio (NPR) February 20, 2008 Wednesday Day to Day 4:00 PM EST "The Online Predator Myth"
4. David Finkelhor and Lisa Jones (2008) Updated Trends in Child Maltreatment http://www.unh.edu/ccrc/Trends/index.html
5. David Finkelhor, Kimberly J. Mitchell, and Janis Wolak. Online Victimization of Youth: Five Years Later. Alexandria, Virginia: National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, 2006
6. Andrea J. Sedlak, David Finkelhor, Heather Hammer, and Dana J. Schultz. U.S. Department of Justice. "National Estimates of Missing Children: An Overview" in National Incidence Studies of Missing, Abducted, Runaway, and Thrownaway Children. Washington, DC: Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention, Office of Justice Programs, U.S. Department of Justice, October 2002, page 5.
7. Kimberly J. Mitchell, Janis Wolak, & David Finkelhor. (2007). Trends in Youth Reports of Sexual Solicitations, Harassment and Unwanted Exposure to Pornography on the Internet. Journal of Adolescent Health, 40(2), 116-126.
8. San Jose Mercury News (California) November 20, 2008 Thursday "Chill out, parents: Time online teaches kids important skills, study finds", Sharon Noguchi Mercury News
**
Mark Matlock has been working with youth pastors and students for more than fifteen years. He speaks to hundreds of thousands of students around the world each year, and presents biblical truths in ways that motivate people to change. Mark's the founder of WisdomWorks Ministries, and writes for several magazines. He's the author of several books, including "What Does God Want From Me?," "Living a Life That Matters," "Don't Buy the Lie," and "Freshman." Mark lives in Texas with his wife, Jade, and their children, Dax and Skye.
**
2. LINKS TO LEARN FROM
Most Likely To Succeed [New Yorker]
http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/12/15/081215fa_fact_gladwell?currentPage=all
Moody or Mentally Ill? Signs of Mental Illness in the Teen Years [Newsweek]http://www.newsweek.com/id/172031
Online Safety Tips for Tweens and Teens [OnGuardOnline.gov]http://www.onguardonline.gov/topics/safety-tips-tweens-teens.aspx
3. INSIDE YOUR TEEN'S WORLD...Random things you may not have heard about...
Students research wind energy for senior project [Steamboat Pilot]http://www.steamboatpilot.com/news/2008/dec/07/teen_style_students_research_wind_energy_senior_pr/
Your kids weren't lying about jobs being bad for them... [Sydney Morning Herald]http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/child-employees-put-at-risk/2008/12/06/1228257383099.html
4. LEARN THEIR LINGO...Some slang and texting lingo for you to speak (or at least understand)
- Sexting = text messaging someone in the hopes of having a sexual encounter with them later
- Sexual encounter = that thing you and your spouse had before kids
5. A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT...AND HUMOR
"If you raise your children to feel that they can accomplish any goal or task they decide upon, you will have succeeded as a parent and you will have given your children the greatest of all blessings."~ Brian Tracy
copyright 2008 :: Youth Specialties300 S. Pierce St. El Cajon, CA 92020 888.346.4179
1. Tools for Parenting Teens
2. Links to Learn From
3. Inside Your Teen's World
4. Learn Their Lingo
5. A Little Encouragement...And Humor
===========our sponsor===========WISDOM ON...MUSIC, MOVIES & TELEVISION
We all love a good song, movie, or TV show. But not everything out there is good for us. This book won't tell students what they should not listen to or watch. Instead, this book is filled with principles to help them gain the wisdom needed to help them make wise choices about what they choose to be entertained by.
Learn more and purchase "Wisdom On...Music, Movies & Television" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=410
*Save 30% off the retail price of "Wisdom On...Music, Movies & Television" when you purchase it at the YS Store and use coupon code YPNDC2. This offer expires 12/24/08.
================================
1. TOOLS FOR PARENTING TEENS
This week's newsletter features an article on Internet predators from Mark Matlock, founder of WisdomWorks Ministries. With popular media focusing on the topic through shows such as Dateline: To Catch a Predator, Matlock researched the latest information about online safety for kids. His findings just may surprise you. Editor's Note: We believed it is best for you to have this information in its entirety, rather than break it up into a short series of articles. As a result, this week's article is longer than normal. We hope you'll find the information helpful.
IS THE INTERNET FULL OF CHILD PREDATORS?
Recently on my PlanetWisdom blog (http://www.planetwisdom.com/marksblog/) I replied to a youth pastor's question about some Internet snooping software and my opinions about technologies that allow parents to spy on their kids.
I was rather shocked by the responses I received from angry parents questioning my judgment (mainly via email) and realized that either I was completely off-base in my response, or many parents are buying into a story about online safety without doing their homework.
So I did my homework and what I found was pretty interesting.
There is a small number of researchers who have been assessing the severity of online crime against children and adolescence. While any crime against a child is very serious, most researchers seem to agree that there is irrational fear over the dangers on the Internet. One study conducted with a grant from the Justice Department (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Justice_department) has actually gone through two cycles of research to measure the changes from the year 2000 to 2005. Most of the research I will share with you was released between 2006 and 2008 and is the most current information I could obtain.
1. The media's portrayal of online predators is not consistent with what is actually happening.
The idea that sexual molesters are using the Internet to deceptively prey on youth is what most stereotypically comes to mind when we imagine an "online predator". While these incidents are indeed serious, they are not as frightening as the public has come to believe. While there are incidents of adults soliciting teens on the Internet, most were not done in the predatory manner the public has come to believe. Most online sexual solicitations happen to teenagers and originate from other teens and 20 somethings. Of those interactions where an adult was involved, the adult did not hide their age or use deception. Most were up front about their interest in some form of sexual engagement. Most teens involved in this behavior were participating in specific "at risk behaviors" and met other criteria (read the following report in footnote for more). The average teen not engaging in these behaviors were rarely engaged. The report also mentions that posting personal information is not in itself an at risk behavior. (1)
The research goes as far to indicate that talking generally to strangers online is not what puts kids at risk because teens who find themselves in these situations are looking for these kinds of encounters. In fact of those teens who had received an unwanted sexual solicitation 75% said they did not find it distressing and were not psychologically harmed. (2)
Dr. Finkelhor (http://www.unh.edu/frl/finkelhor/) who is a primary researcher in this field and an expert in matters of children and sexual abuse had this to say. "It turns out that the young people who are vulnerable to these kinds of crimes, they're going online looking for things they're not getting in their families and in their life. There needs to be information about this that's available on the Web and the places where these young people hang out. It is important for parents to have conversations about Internet safety, but those conversations should probably be less about giving out personal information and more about what to do if somebody starts to talk with them about sex, and how to deal with inclination to post sexy pictures of yourself or information about yourself that suggests an interest in a sexual relationship." (3)
2. From 1992 – 2008 there has been a 53% drop in sexual offenses against children. (4)
This goes far beyond the public perception of increased vulnerability and abuse of children. When you consider that the Internet grew during that twelve year span, it would appear that the Internet is not increasing the amount of abuse that is going on in our world. In fact, offline abuse still significantly outnumbers that which occurs online. When one considers that the vast majority of sex crimes against children and teens are committed by someone they know, probably going to church is more dangerous than interacting with someone online. (In fact, 44% of Internet sexual offenders were family members, and 56% were known to the victim offline (friends, neighbors, teachers, youth workers etc). The number of online incidents with a complete stranger are so rare they are statistically non-existent). (5)
3. What is clear is that children and teens are more likely to encounter "unwanted" sexual content when involved in the Internet.
There is some debate among the research as to how much of a threat this is compared to traditional forms of finding sexual material offline (i.e a fathers porn stash, or something shared by a friend). What is of note is that there has been a dramatic decline in "unwanted" exposure from 2000 to 2005 as laws and industry self-policing have are working to keep sexual material from reaching the eyes of minors. In fact the majority of incidents involved adolescents and the incidents of pre-pubescent solicitation of adult material was almost non-existent. But there is still a significant increased risk of a minor encountering unwanted sexual content on the Internet. (6)
WHAT CAN WE LEARN FROM ALL OF THIS?
1. We need to be careful about what we believe.
As parents how we perceive the world around us greatly impacts how we parent. Much of the harm we do as parents is motivated by a desire to do the right thing, we just do it in the wrong way. My upcoming book and seminar titled "Real World Parents" (http://realworldparents.com) address this need to have an accurate understanding of culture as we seek to biblically guide our children toward spiritual maturity. Christians live in a marketplace that utilizes fear to sell books, fill conferences, and raise money. We need to be wary about any "data" we are given even by our trusted Christian leaders (read: "Evangelicals Behaving Badly with Statistics" by Christian Smith in Christianity Today. http://www.christianitytoday.com/bc/2007/001/5.11.html).
2. We need to realize that stranger danger is not the best safety message.
Most crimes against children occur by a family member or someone the child knows. Consider that out of the nearly 800,000 missing children reported last year only 115 were the victims of a complete stranger or someone the child only "slightly" knew! (7) Researchers claim the key to teaching our children about safety is helping them identify behavior that is unusual or improper from peers and adults be they strange OR familiar. Children also need to know what to do when they are experience these behaviors from others. Most strangers would definitely help a child in need, we don't want to scare them from this valuable source of help!
Bottom line: the best safety measure is being involved in the lives of your kids without violating their need to mature and become self reliant.
3. We don't want to live in fear, but the Internet does have a dark side so we need to be wise.
While I have been making a case that the Internet may not be the safety concern many might believe, this doesn't mean we shouldn't be careful as parents. Keep the computer in a public place, do not allow your kids to have passwords unknown to you, talk with your kids about their online interactions like you would other interactions they have throughout the day.
But please realize that 85% of school aged kids have access to the Internet outside the home and filters and monitoring software are easily worked around. Think of tools like these as very light protections that do not replace solid training. When my kids were little I didn't let them play with bottles of poison, but I didn't trust a child safety cap either. I taught them the dangers of these products so even if they came in contact with them, they would know what to do.
What is more, if your children are involved in questionable online behavior, your family (not just the child in question) probably need to seek professional counseling. The studies show that most teens who engage in dangerous Internet behaviors are doing so as a result of problems and unmet needs at home. This is not a time to be proud. Get the help you need.
4. Be aware that research is showing that online interactions are actually good for your kids.
You may not get it as a parent, but the evidence is giving online activity a thumbs up. It won't be long and your kids will be armed with this data too! Celebrate the positives of the Internet.
Researchers, including participants from University of California-Berkeley and University of Southern California, conducted interviews, studied diaries, convened focus groups and collected nearly 10,500 profiles on sites such as Facebook and Neopets. The $3.3 million study, funded by the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation, found that youths use online networks to extend friendships, acquire technical skills, learn from each other, explore interests and develop expertise. This all takes "ongoing maintenance and negotiation."
In what researchers call "hypersocial" behavior, media at the fingertips enable teens to always be connected. And instant messaging, text messages and Facebook have changed dating as well: Couples "telecocoon," creating a full-time intimate community even while physically apart.
As for mere socializing, "It is not a waste of time for teens to hang out on-line," said Mizuko Ito, a professor at the University of California-Irvine and lead researcher for the study "Living and Learning with New Media." Kids on-line, the study said, are learning to be "competent citizens in the digital age." (8)
FOOTNOTES AND SOURCES
1. Online "Predators" And Their Victims, Myths, Realities, and Implications for Prevention and Treatment 2008 by the American Psychological Association 0003-066X/08/$12.00 Vol. 63, No. 2, 111–128 DOI: 10.1037/0003-066X.63.2.111
2. David Finkelhor, Kimberly J. Mitchell, and Janis Wolak. Online Victimization of Youth: Five Years Later. Alexandria, Virginia: National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, 2006
3. National Public Radio (NPR) February 20, 2008 Wednesday Day to Day 4:00 PM EST "The Online Predator Myth"
4. David Finkelhor and Lisa Jones (2008) Updated Trends in Child Maltreatment http://www.unh.edu/ccrc/Trends/index.html
5. David Finkelhor, Kimberly J. Mitchell, and Janis Wolak. Online Victimization of Youth: Five Years Later. Alexandria, Virginia: National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, 2006
6. Andrea J. Sedlak, David Finkelhor, Heather Hammer, and Dana J. Schultz. U.S. Department of Justice. "National Estimates of Missing Children: An Overview" in National Incidence Studies of Missing, Abducted, Runaway, and Thrownaway Children. Washington, DC: Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention, Office of Justice Programs, U.S. Department of Justice, October 2002, page 5.
7. Kimberly J. Mitchell, Janis Wolak, & David Finkelhor. (2007). Trends in Youth Reports of Sexual Solicitations, Harassment and Unwanted Exposure to Pornography on the Internet. Journal of Adolescent Health, 40(2), 116-126.
8. San Jose Mercury News (California) November 20, 2008 Thursday "Chill out, parents: Time online teaches kids important skills, study finds", Sharon Noguchi Mercury News
**
Mark Matlock has been working with youth pastors and students for more than fifteen years. He speaks to hundreds of thousands of students around the world each year, and presents biblical truths in ways that motivate people to change. Mark's the founder of WisdomWorks Ministries, and writes for several magazines. He's the author of several books, including "What Does God Want From Me?," "Living a Life That Matters," "Don't Buy the Lie," and "Freshman." Mark lives in Texas with his wife, Jade, and their children, Dax and Skye.
**
2. LINKS TO LEARN FROM
Most Likely To Succeed [New Yorker]
http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/12/15/081215fa_fact_gladwell?currentPage=all
Moody or Mentally Ill? Signs of Mental Illness in the Teen Years [Newsweek]http://www.newsweek.com/id/172031
Online Safety Tips for Tweens and Teens [OnGuardOnline.gov]http://www.onguardonline.gov/topics/safety-tips-tweens-teens.aspx
3. INSIDE YOUR TEEN'S WORLD...Random things you may not have heard about...
Students research wind energy for senior project [Steamboat Pilot]http://www.steamboatpilot.com/news/2008/dec/07/teen_style_students_research_wind_energy_senior_pr/
Your kids weren't lying about jobs being bad for them... [Sydney Morning Herald]http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/child-employees-put-at-risk/2008/12/06/1228257383099.html
4. LEARN THEIR LINGO...Some slang and texting lingo for you to speak (or at least understand)
- Sexting = text messaging someone in the hopes of having a sexual encounter with them later
- Sexual encounter = that thing you and your spouse had before kids
5. A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT...AND HUMOR
"If you raise your children to feel that they can accomplish any goal or task they decide upon, you will have succeeded as a parent and you will have given your children the greatest of all blessings."~ Brian Tracy
copyright 2008 :: Youth Specialties300 S. Pierce St. El Cajon, CA 92020 888.346.4179
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Learning the Skills of Friendship
CONTENTS
1. Tools for Parenting Teens
2. Links to Learn From
3. Inside Your Teen's World
4. Learn Their Lingo
5. A Little Encouragement...And Humor
===========our sponsor===========MY FAMILY
As your child moves towards becoming an adult, you have to work together to make it smooth transition. In "My Family," your child will get all kinds of secrets and tips that will help them be a better son or daughter, brother or sister, and show them how they can help to make your family even better.
Learn more about or purchase "My Family" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=230
*Save 30% off the retail price of "My Family" when you purchase it at the YS Store and use coupon code YPNDC1. This offer expires 12/17/08.
================================
1. TOOLS FOR PARENTING TEENS
QUESTION: Our 6th grade son seems to have no real friendships. And I'm not even sure he wants them. Is this normal? Are there things my husband and I should be doing?
First, it's important to know that this is a very normal situation for a pre-teen or young teen boy. In fact, it has become substantially more common over the past decade. So, your son isn't "abnormal" on this one.
But, that doesn't mean it's a healthy situation. As a youth worker, it's been one of greatest new concerns I've had for my students in the last ten years. Boys, particularly (girls also, but to a lesser degree), are not learning the skills of friendship. Historically, I don't think we thought of children and teenagers as needing these skills – friendship just came naturally to them! But today's 10 – 14 year old is so often isolated, they've not learned the skills of friendship in their day-to-day lives.
Boys are naturally less expressive than girls (especially at this age). And our culture has told them "the strong, silent type" is a great male archetype. Even the U.S. Army, which, ironically has learned – out in the field – that soldiers can only succeed in teams, has been advertising this notion like crazy for a few years with their "Be an Army of one" campaign.
Add to these cultural notions the fact that today's pre- and young-teens have reaped most parents' desire to "cocoon", by having a house-full (or more likely these days, a bedroom-full) of toys intended for solo use: television, video-gaming systems, CD-players. Not that these things are all bad. But the fairly normal overuse of them has greatly contributed to this "loner" trend.
So, what can you do? Here are a few ideas:
- Encourage friendship groups. Often, the safest place for a boy to learn about friendship is in a group, not in a one-on-one friendship. Hopefully, one of the best places for this is in a healthy and active pre-teen or middle school program at your church. I know many parents who have chosen their church based on this factor alone!
- Service potential friendships. When you see any spark of potential friendship for your son, find ways to subtly encourage that spark. This doesn't mean talking about it like crazy! (that will only lead to retreat for most boys.) Instead, offer to drive them somewhere; suggest fun ideas for excursions and make them possible. Also, make sure you home is a "safe" place for your son to have a friend over: a place where he won't be embarrassed or treated like a little kid in front of his friends.
- Encourage your son, but don't nag. When your son spends time with a friend (or potential friend), say something positive – but keep it short and sweet. Lengthy speeches will feel like pressure or nagging, and will backfire on you.
- Pray like crazy!
**
Mark Oestreicher is the president of Youth Specialties (www.YouthSpecialties.com), the leading provider of resources and training for Christian youth workers. Marko speaks to parents, teens and youth workers around the world, and writes books (mostly for youth ministry and young teens). He lives in San Diego with his wife, Jeannie, and his two kids, Liesl and Max.
Learn more about or purchase "My Family" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=230
*Save 30% off the retail price of "My Family" when you purchase it at the YS Store and use coupon code YPNDC1. This offer expires 12/17/08.
**
2. LINKS TO LEARN FROM
Are Kids Copying Their Parents When They Lie?http://nymag.com/news/features/43893/
3. INSIDE YOUR TEEN'S WORLD...Random things you may not have heard about...
A site dedicated to connecting millennials to non-profits and activismhttp://millennials.change.org/
News for tweens, by tweenshttp://tweentribune.com/
Buy and sell handmade itemshttp://www.etsy.com/
4. LEARN THEIR LINGO...Some slang and texting lingo for you to speak (or at least understand)
- All days = 24 inch rims for a car. "Did you see Jr. on them new 'all-days' he got?"
- Ball up = An exclamation stating the beginning of a basketball game. A statement clarifying that it is time to start or resume playing basketball now that everyone is ready.
5. A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT...AND HUMOR
"Seven days without laughter makes one weak."~ Mort Walker
copyright 2008 :: Youth Specialties300 S. Pierce St. El Cajon, CA 92020 888.346.4179
1. Tools for Parenting Teens
2. Links to Learn From
3. Inside Your Teen's World
4. Learn Their Lingo
5. A Little Encouragement...And Humor
===========our sponsor===========MY FAMILY
As your child moves towards becoming an adult, you have to work together to make it smooth transition. In "My Family," your child will get all kinds of secrets and tips that will help them be a better son or daughter, brother or sister, and show them how they can help to make your family even better.
Learn more about or purchase "My Family" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=230
*Save 30% off the retail price of "My Family" when you purchase it at the YS Store and use coupon code YPNDC1. This offer expires 12/17/08.
================================
1. TOOLS FOR PARENTING TEENS
QUESTION: Our 6th grade son seems to have no real friendships. And I'm not even sure he wants them. Is this normal? Are there things my husband and I should be doing?
First, it's important to know that this is a very normal situation for a pre-teen or young teen boy. In fact, it has become substantially more common over the past decade. So, your son isn't "abnormal" on this one.
But, that doesn't mean it's a healthy situation. As a youth worker, it's been one of greatest new concerns I've had for my students in the last ten years. Boys, particularly (girls also, but to a lesser degree), are not learning the skills of friendship. Historically, I don't think we thought of children and teenagers as needing these skills – friendship just came naturally to them! But today's 10 – 14 year old is so often isolated, they've not learned the skills of friendship in their day-to-day lives.
Boys are naturally less expressive than girls (especially at this age). And our culture has told them "the strong, silent type" is a great male archetype. Even the U.S. Army, which, ironically has learned – out in the field – that soldiers can only succeed in teams, has been advertising this notion like crazy for a few years with their "Be an Army of one" campaign.
Add to these cultural notions the fact that today's pre- and young-teens have reaped most parents' desire to "cocoon", by having a house-full (or more likely these days, a bedroom-full) of toys intended for solo use: television, video-gaming systems, CD-players. Not that these things are all bad. But the fairly normal overuse of them has greatly contributed to this "loner" trend.
So, what can you do? Here are a few ideas:
- Encourage friendship groups. Often, the safest place for a boy to learn about friendship is in a group, not in a one-on-one friendship. Hopefully, one of the best places for this is in a healthy and active pre-teen or middle school program at your church. I know many parents who have chosen their church based on this factor alone!
- Service potential friendships. When you see any spark of potential friendship for your son, find ways to subtly encourage that spark. This doesn't mean talking about it like crazy! (that will only lead to retreat for most boys.) Instead, offer to drive them somewhere; suggest fun ideas for excursions and make them possible. Also, make sure you home is a "safe" place for your son to have a friend over: a place where he won't be embarrassed or treated like a little kid in front of his friends.
- Encourage your son, but don't nag. When your son spends time with a friend (or potential friend), say something positive – but keep it short and sweet. Lengthy speeches will feel like pressure or nagging, and will backfire on you.
- Pray like crazy!
**
Mark Oestreicher is the president of Youth Specialties (www.YouthSpecialties.com), the leading provider of resources and training for Christian youth workers. Marko speaks to parents, teens and youth workers around the world, and writes books (mostly for youth ministry and young teens). He lives in San Diego with his wife, Jeannie, and his two kids, Liesl and Max.
Learn more about or purchase "My Family" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=230
*Save 30% off the retail price of "My Family" when you purchase it at the YS Store and use coupon code YPNDC1. This offer expires 12/17/08.
**
2. LINKS TO LEARN FROM
Are Kids Copying Their Parents When They Lie?http://nymag.com/news/features/43893/
3. INSIDE YOUR TEEN'S WORLD...Random things you may not have heard about...
A site dedicated to connecting millennials to non-profits and activismhttp://millennials.change.org/
News for tweens, by tweenshttp://tweentribune.com/
Buy and sell handmade itemshttp://www.etsy.com/
4. LEARN THEIR LINGO...Some slang and texting lingo for you to speak (or at least understand)
- All days = 24 inch rims for a car. "Did you see Jr. on them new 'all-days' he got?"
- Ball up = An exclamation stating the beginning of a basketball game. A statement clarifying that it is time to start or resume playing basketball now that everyone is ready.
5. A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT...AND HUMOR
"Seven days without laughter makes one weak."~ Mort Walker
copyright 2008 :: Youth Specialties300 S. Pierce St. El Cajon, CA 92020 888.346.4179
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Twilight Movie Review
The below movie review is taken from:
The Journal of Student Ministries - http://www.thejournalofstudentministries.com
Movie Review: Twilight
http://www.thejournalofstudentministries.com/articles/177/1/Movie-Review-Twilight/Page1.html
By Smitty Wheeler
Published on 11/25/2008
PG-13, 120 min.
Several years ago, I vaguely remember my tween-age daughter telling me about Twilight, a new book that she and her friends were reading. Mom had looked it over and assured me it was no big deal. Now, flash forward to opening night of the new big screen version of Twilight and I can tell you from being there, the words “Big Deal” are a HUGE understatement. At our nearest theater, young girls (and their moms) were in line two hours in advance of the theater doors opening and, on a national level, Fandango reported that they had been selling 5 Twilight tickets per second as of early Friday morning, “making Twilight online ticket-seller Fandango's fastest-selling film since The Dark Knight last July.” Yes, it’s a very big deal and the young ladies in your youth group will definitely be seeing this one.Overview: Twilight, while in many ways looking like your typical teen love story, definitely has some new twists. Klutzy, high school student Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) makes the move from her mom’s home in Phoenix, Arizona, to her dad’s in Forks, Washington. Her personality is that of a loner, but she quickly finds the students of her school reaching out to her since she’s “the new girl” in a town of just 3,000. The exceptions to this school wide outreach are the five teenage members of the Cullen family. These five pale, stunningly attractive students seem to have an unnatural magnetism and seem to be held in awe by the entire student body. Bella is drawn to Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) who shares the attraction but initially keeps his distance. The reason, we soon discover, is that Edward and his “family” are really vampires who've chosen to live as part of the human world. While they call themselves "vegetarians" because they only drink the blood of animals, we learn there is still a relentless hunger for human blood. So, as Edward is drawn to Bella romantically, he knows he should keep his distance because of the temptation she presents to the blood-thirsty monster inside him.
Is their forbidden love worth the danger?
Teachable Moments: There are a number of opportunities throughout the movie where you could discuss resisting temptation, including:
-Edward at first fighting his temptation to attack Bella, then his chivalrous desire to set physical boundaries for them. Don’t we as Christians have to set boundaries to avoid temptations?
-The contrast between how Edward resists the thought of making Bella like him and how Bella is completely willing to give herself to him and become a vampire so that she can be with Edward forever.
-The Cullen family making the moral choice to try and live their lives as mortals instead of exercising their ability to dominate those around them.
-The Cullen’s willingness to put themselves in danger to save Bella when she is threatened by marauding (non-vegetarian) vampires.
- There is a very interesting line in the movie, "Death is easy, life is harder." What does that really mean in our walk with Christ?
Viewer Discretion: Obviously this is a movie about vampires, which in and of itself, can be a problem for some Christians. In this movie, they are not representative of demons but are more a tool to set the stage for the forbidden love interest. The word hell and God's name are used a few times. The violence is primarily limited to one vampire fight scene where two vampires fight over Bella and then three of the “good” vampires join in and seem to “break the neck” of the bad vampire. We don’t see much, although they say they will need to “tear him apart and burn the pieces." There is some sensuality when Edward and Bella end up on her bed and get too carried away with their kiss. Edward retreats but then Bella and Edward spend a night—fully clothed and on top of the covers—next to each other on her bed. Finally, a mother asks her daughter if she's "being safe" immediately after hearing there's a boy in the picture.
General Appeal: If your kids are fans of the book Twilight, they’ll probably be thrilled at the movies release and will have seen it before you read this. It also goes without saying that tween and teenage girls will love this movie. From the screams as each character was introduced to the swooning as we first peered deeply into Edwards eyes, these girls were hooked.Most of the scattered boys (and Dad’s) in the audience were probably there because someone made them. However, as the credit rolled, they just may have come away with a greater appreciation of the movie than they originally thought they would.
The Final Grade: Entertainment value- C Ministry value- B
********************************************************************************************
-Below is taken from Youth Specialties
INSIDE YOUR TEEN'S WORLD...Random things you may not have heard about...
Study: Many Young People Want To Do Their Banking Over IMhttp://arstechnica.com/news.ars/post/20081118-millennials-driving-tech-adoption-in-financial-industry.html
Saying Goodbye to “TRL” http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081117/ap_en_ot/music_trl_finale
LEARN THEIR LINGO...Some slang and texting lingo for you to speak (or at least understand)
- Thrash = v. To win some form of competition by a large margin. “Dude, I thrashed Robert on the court!” 2. v. To harm, or to harshly disrespect someone or thing. 3. n. A style of metal rock music.
- Kicks = shoes
A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT...AND HUMOR
"I don’t believe professional athletes should be role models. I believe parents should be role models…"~ Charles Barkley
*********************************************************************************************
The Journal of Student Ministries - http://www.thejournalofstudentministries.com
Movie Review: Twilight
http://www.thejournalofstudentministries.com/articles/177/1/Movie-Review-Twilight/Page1.html
By Smitty Wheeler
Published on 11/25/2008
PG-13, 120 min.
Several years ago, I vaguely remember my tween-age daughter telling me about Twilight, a new book that she and her friends were reading. Mom had looked it over and assured me it was no big deal. Now, flash forward to opening night of the new big screen version of Twilight and I can tell you from being there, the words “Big Deal” are a HUGE understatement. At our nearest theater, young girls (and their moms) were in line two hours in advance of the theater doors opening and, on a national level, Fandango reported that they had been selling 5 Twilight tickets per second as of early Friday morning, “making Twilight online ticket-seller Fandango's fastest-selling film since The Dark Knight last July.” Yes, it’s a very big deal and the young ladies in your youth group will definitely be seeing this one.Overview: Twilight, while in many ways looking like your typical teen love story, definitely has some new twists. Klutzy, high school student Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) makes the move from her mom’s home in Phoenix, Arizona, to her dad’s in Forks, Washington. Her personality is that of a loner, but she quickly finds the students of her school reaching out to her since she’s “the new girl” in a town of just 3,000. The exceptions to this school wide outreach are the five teenage members of the Cullen family. These five pale, stunningly attractive students seem to have an unnatural magnetism and seem to be held in awe by the entire student body. Bella is drawn to Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) who shares the attraction but initially keeps his distance. The reason, we soon discover, is that Edward and his “family” are really vampires who've chosen to live as part of the human world. While they call themselves "vegetarians" because they only drink the blood of animals, we learn there is still a relentless hunger for human blood. So, as Edward is drawn to Bella romantically, he knows he should keep his distance because of the temptation she presents to the blood-thirsty monster inside him.
Is their forbidden love worth the danger?
Teachable Moments: There are a number of opportunities throughout the movie where you could discuss resisting temptation, including:
-Edward at first fighting his temptation to attack Bella, then his chivalrous desire to set physical boundaries for them. Don’t we as Christians have to set boundaries to avoid temptations?
-The contrast between how Edward resists the thought of making Bella like him and how Bella is completely willing to give herself to him and become a vampire so that she can be with Edward forever.
-The Cullen family making the moral choice to try and live their lives as mortals instead of exercising their ability to dominate those around them.
-The Cullen’s willingness to put themselves in danger to save Bella when she is threatened by marauding (non-vegetarian) vampires.
- There is a very interesting line in the movie, "Death is easy, life is harder." What does that really mean in our walk with Christ?
Viewer Discretion: Obviously this is a movie about vampires, which in and of itself, can be a problem for some Christians. In this movie, they are not representative of demons but are more a tool to set the stage for the forbidden love interest. The word hell and God's name are used a few times. The violence is primarily limited to one vampire fight scene where two vampires fight over Bella and then three of the “good” vampires join in and seem to “break the neck” of the bad vampire. We don’t see much, although they say they will need to “tear him apart and burn the pieces." There is some sensuality when Edward and Bella end up on her bed and get too carried away with their kiss. Edward retreats but then Bella and Edward spend a night—fully clothed and on top of the covers—next to each other on her bed. Finally, a mother asks her daughter if she's "being safe" immediately after hearing there's a boy in the picture.
General Appeal: If your kids are fans of the book Twilight, they’ll probably be thrilled at the movies release and will have seen it before you read this. It also goes without saying that tween and teenage girls will love this movie. From the screams as each character was introduced to the swooning as we first peered deeply into Edwards eyes, these girls were hooked.Most of the scattered boys (and Dad’s) in the audience were probably there because someone made them. However, as the credit rolled, they just may have come away with a greater appreciation of the movie than they originally thought they would.
The Final Grade: Entertainment value- C Ministry value- B
********************************************************************************************
-Below is taken from Youth Specialties
INSIDE YOUR TEEN'S WORLD...Random things you may not have heard about...
Study: Many Young People Want To Do Their Banking Over IMhttp://arstechnica.com/news.ars/post/20081118-millennials-driving-tech-adoption-in-financial-industry.html
Saying Goodbye to “TRL” http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081117/ap_en_ot/music_trl_finale
LEARN THEIR LINGO...Some slang and texting lingo for you to speak (or at least understand)
- Thrash = v. To win some form of competition by a large margin. “Dude, I thrashed Robert on the court!” 2. v. To harm, or to harshly disrespect someone or thing. 3. n. A style of metal rock music.
- Kicks = shoes
A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT...AND HUMOR
"I don’t believe professional athletes should be role models. I believe parents should be role models…"~ Charles Barkley
*********************************************************************************************
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Discipline and your teen
CONTENTS
1. Tools for Parenting Teens
2. Links to Learn From
3. Learn Their Lingo
4. A Little Encouragement...And Humor
===========our sponsor===========GIFTS THAT MAKE A DIFFERENCE
Jesus calls us to be the light of the world. What better season than right now? At your local Parable Christian Store you'll find Bibles, books, music, DVDs and gifts that can bring Truth to someone's life. Pick up brand-new releases from Jeremy Camp, Switchfoot and Michael W. Smith, plus "Prince Caspian" on DVD December 2nd!
Find the Parable store nearest you or shop online at Parable.com. http://www.parable.com/parable/
===========our sponsor===========IT'S A DIRTY WORD...BUT SOMEBODY'S GOT TO DO IT!
In this practical book, youth ministry veteran Les Christie will help you take a positive approach to discipline when it becomes necessary. "When Church Kids Go Bad" will:
- Reveal the reasons behind problem behavior and show you how to take a positive approach to discipline
- Teach you how to use rules and consequences effectively
- Help you evaluate your strengths and weaknesses in discipline situations (and improve your areas of weakness)
- Give you dozens of specific, practical, helpful ideas you can use immediately with your students
Learn more about and purchase the book "When Church Kids Go Bad" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=431
*Save 30% off the retail price of "When Church Kids Go Bad" when you purchase it at the YS Store and use coupon code YPNNV3. This offer expires 12/3/08.
================================
1. TOOLS FOR PARENTING TEENS
POSITIVE VS. NEGATIVE DISCIPLINE
Discipline that focuses primarily on punishment as a way to get a teen to behave properly is what's often called "negative discipline." A negative disciplinarian threatens, frightens, snarls, growls, bristles, and becomes just plain nasty in order to persuade young people to behave. Even if this kind of external pressure gets immediate results, when the pressure lets up, so does the person's response. Negative discipline usually backfires.
Negative discipline can destroy a young person's sense of being loved and wanted. It can leave him feeling insecure and worthless. Negative discipline implies getting even, retaliation, vengeance, and exacting a penalty. Of course, all these dangers are increased whenever negative discipline is cruel, unreasonably severe, or prolonged.
Guilt is another common motivator in negative discipline. But using guilt to get your teen to do something is destructive. Guilt is a tremendously difficult feeling to carry around inside. And even if your teen does change her behavior because she feels guilty, she will resent it; that resentment, coupled with feelings of guilt, can produce intense feelings of anger.
Negative discipline can help control some behavior by establishing an avoidance response. But negative discipline alone never teaches young people to be responsible, motivated, and cooperative. Any improved behavior due to negative discipline simply means the young person has realized that, in this situation, the cost of negative discipline outweighs the benefits of misbehaving. The young person may change the way she behaves, but not change the way she wants to behave.
I've heard that you can train fleas. Apparently, if you throw some fleas in a jar and put the lid back on, for a few minutes you will hear a popping noise. The fleas will jump from the bottom to the top, and their little bodies will crash against the lid for a few minutes. Eventually, they will get wise and won't jump as high--they'll jump to a height just beneath the lid. (After a while, even a flea realizes hitting its head on the lid isn't much fun). After a few hours of this, you can unscrew the lid, and the fleas won't jump out. They have the ability to jump higher than the top of the jar. But something tells them if they jump too high there will be pain. In the same way, negative discipline may make a teenager behave the way you want him or her to just to avoid pain. But inside, nothing has changed.
The problem with negative discipline is that it's effective only as long as the threat hangs over an individual's head. Negative discipline does not teach the long-term benefits of changing behavior. When the threat of negative discipline has been removed, people are likely to resume their inappropriate behavior again. Consider how people tend to drive when they know a police officer is sitting beside the freeway with a radar gun. As long as that police car is visible, most people will carefully stay within the speed limit. But some of those same people are willing to drive at unsafe speeds if the police aren't visible and they think they can get away with it. Negative discipline procedures make the parent a police officer.
Negative discipline may curb some unacceptable behavior. But negative discipline in itself does not teach or motivate a young person toward more desirable behavior. It tells a young person what not to do--it doesn't tell him what to do. Consider our prison system. If punishment were effective in teaching people better behavior, then nearly anyone released from prison after several years of incarceration would go straight from then on. But a recent study showed that more than two-thirds of released prisoners were arrested again within three years. Of course, there are all kinds of reasons why someone who has been imprisoned is more likely to end up there again. But that doesn't change the basic fact that imprisonment merely keeps a person off the street for a period of time; it does very little to encourage rehabilitation or true changes in thinking and behavior.
On the other hand, positive discipline involves a combination of encouragement, consistency, fairness, and high expectations to train young people. A positive disciplinarian uses words, deeds, or circumstances to develop maturity in the young person--which is the ultimate goal. (See Colossians 1:28.) Your task is to prepare, disciple, and train your teen to serve God with their lives, to bring them to maturity, wholeness, and completeness in Christ. Through positive discipline, we develop mature young people who know them, accept themselves, and control themselves.
Positive discipline is more an attitude and atmosphere than an action. It is a tool, not a weapon. It is an expression of love, not anger. Discipline in the true biblical sense is positive and encouraging--in fact, it's even proof of love.
**
Les Christie has spent more than forty years in youth ministry, including more than twenty years in the same church. An energetic speaker, Les also chairs the youth ministry department at William Jessup University. He's the author of more than a dozen books and lives in California with his wife, Gretchen, where he no longer has to discipline his two grown sons, Brent and David.
Learn more about and purchase the book "When Church Kids Go Bad" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=431
*Save 30% off the retail price of "When Church Kids Go Bad" when you purchase it at the YS Store and use coupon code YPNNV3. This offer expires 12/3/08.
**
2. LINKS TO LEARN FROM
Later School Start Times Could Be Beneficial for Teens [Minneapolis Star Tribune]http://www.startribune.com/local/east/34441034.html
Teens to Spend $312 on Consumer Electronics in the Next 6 Monthshttp://www.marketwatch.com/news/story/CEA-Study-Shows-Nearly-Half/story.aspx?guid={0ECCC629-8DF8-494A-9772-D0393F5DD5BE}
3. LEARN THEIR LINGO...Some slang and texting lingo for you to speak (or at least understand)
- Federal = against the law, or not right. "Yo, I ain't stealing that money, that's federal!"
- Parlayin = v. relaxing and communicating, like sitting and talking to a female. "Check out Reggie parlayin with Shana."
4. A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT...AND HUMOR
"As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it, or leave it."~ Buddy Hackett
copyright 2008 :: Youth Specialties300 S. Pierce St. El Cajon, CA 92020 888.346.4179
1. Tools for Parenting Teens
2. Links to Learn From
3. Learn Their Lingo
4. A Little Encouragement...And Humor
===========our sponsor===========GIFTS THAT MAKE A DIFFERENCE
Jesus calls us to be the light of the world. What better season than right now? At your local Parable Christian Store you'll find Bibles, books, music, DVDs and gifts that can bring Truth to someone's life. Pick up brand-new releases from Jeremy Camp, Switchfoot and Michael W. Smith, plus "Prince Caspian" on DVD December 2nd!
Find the Parable store nearest you or shop online at Parable.com. http://www.parable.com/parable/
===========our sponsor===========IT'S A DIRTY WORD...BUT SOMEBODY'S GOT TO DO IT!
In this practical book, youth ministry veteran Les Christie will help you take a positive approach to discipline when it becomes necessary. "When Church Kids Go Bad" will:
- Reveal the reasons behind problem behavior and show you how to take a positive approach to discipline
- Teach you how to use rules and consequences effectively
- Help you evaluate your strengths and weaknesses in discipline situations (and improve your areas of weakness)
- Give you dozens of specific, practical, helpful ideas you can use immediately with your students
Learn more about and purchase the book "When Church Kids Go Bad" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=431
*Save 30% off the retail price of "When Church Kids Go Bad" when you purchase it at the YS Store and use coupon code YPNNV3. This offer expires 12/3/08.
================================
1. TOOLS FOR PARENTING TEENS
POSITIVE VS. NEGATIVE DISCIPLINE
Discipline that focuses primarily on punishment as a way to get a teen to behave properly is what's often called "negative discipline." A negative disciplinarian threatens, frightens, snarls, growls, bristles, and becomes just plain nasty in order to persuade young people to behave. Even if this kind of external pressure gets immediate results, when the pressure lets up, so does the person's response. Negative discipline usually backfires.
Negative discipline can destroy a young person's sense of being loved and wanted. It can leave him feeling insecure and worthless. Negative discipline implies getting even, retaliation, vengeance, and exacting a penalty. Of course, all these dangers are increased whenever negative discipline is cruel, unreasonably severe, or prolonged.
Guilt is another common motivator in negative discipline. But using guilt to get your teen to do something is destructive. Guilt is a tremendously difficult feeling to carry around inside. And even if your teen does change her behavior because she feels guilty, she will resent it; that resentment, coupled with feelings of guilt, can produce intense feelings of anger.
Negative discipline can help control some behavior by establishing an avoidance response. But negative discipline alone never teaches young people to be responsible, motivated, and cooperative. Any improved behavior due to negative discipline simply means the young person has realized that, in this situation, the cost of negative discipline outweighs the benefits of misbehaving. The young person may change the way she behaves, but not change the way she wants to behave.
I've heard that you can train fleas. Apparently, if you throw some fleas in a jar and put the lid back on, for a few minutes you will hear a popping noise. The fleas will jump from the bottom to the top, and their little bodies will crash against the lid for a few minutes. Eventually, they will get wise and won't jump as high--they'll jump to a height just beneath the lid. (After a while, even a flea realizes hitting its head on the lid isn't much fun). After a few hours of this, you can unscrew the lid, and the fleas won't jump out. They have the ability to jump higher than the top of the jar. But something tells them if they jump too high there will be pain. In the same way, negative discipline may make a teenager behave the way you want him or her to just to avoid pain. But inside, nothing has changed.
The problem with negative discipline is that it's effective only as long as the threat hangs over an individual's head. Negative discipline does not teach the long-term benefits of changing behavior. When the threat of negative discipline has been removed, people are likely to resume their inappropriate behavior again. Consider how people tend to drive when they know a police officer is sitting beside the freeway with a radar gun. As long as that police car is visible, most people will carefully stay within the speed limit. But some of those same people are willing to drive at unsafe speeds if the police aren't visible and they think they can get away with it. Negative discipline procedures make the parent a police officer.
Negative discipline may curb some unacceptable behavior. But negative discipline in itself does not teach or motivate a young person toward more desirable behavior. It tells a young person what not to do--it doesn't tell him what to do. Consider our prison system. If punishment were effective in teaching people better behavior, then nearly anyone released from prison after several years of incarceration would go straight from then on. But a recent study showed that more than two-thirds of released prisoners were arrested again within three years. Of course, there are all kinds of reasons why someone who has been imprisoned is more likely to end up there again. But that doesn't change the basic fact that imprisonment merely keeps a person off the street for a period of time; it does very little to encourage rehabilitation or true changes in thinking and behavior.
On the other hand, positive discipline involves a combination of encouragement, consistency, fairness, and high expectations to train young people. A positive disciplinarian uses words, deeds, or circumstances to develop maturity in the young person--which is the ultimate goal. (See Colossians 1:28.) Your task is to prepare, disciple, and train your teen to serve God with their lives, to bring them to maturity, wholeness, and completeness in Christ. Through positive discipline, we develop mature young people who know them, accept themselves, and control themselves.
Positive discipline is more an attitude and atmosphere than an action. It is a tool, not a weapon. It is an expression of love, not anger. Discipline in the true biblical sense is positive and encouraging--in fact, it's even proof of love.
**
Les Christie has spent more than forty years in youth ministry, including more than twenty years in the same church. An energetic speaker, Les also chairs the youth ministry department at William Jessup University. He's the author of more than a dozen books and lives in California with his wife, Gretchen, where he no longer has to discipline his two grown sons, Brent and David.
Learn more about and purchase the book "When Church Kids Go Bad" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=431
*Save 30% off the retail price of "When Church Kids Go Bad" when you purchase it at the YS Store and use coupon code YPNNV3. This offer expires 12/3/08.
**
2. LINKS TO LEARN FROM
Later School Start Times Could Be Beneficial for Teens [Minneapolis Star Tribune]http://www.startribune.com/local/east/34441034.html
Teens to Spend $312 on Consumer Electronics in the Next 6 Monthshttp://www.marketwatch.com/news/story/CEA-Study-Shows-Nearly-Half/story.aspx?guid={0ECCC629-8DF8-494A-9772-D0393F5DD5BE}
3. LEARN THEIR LINGO...Some slang and texting lingo for you to speak (or at least understand)
- Federal = against the law, or not right. "Yo, I ain't stealing that money, that's federal!"
- Parlayin = v. relaxing and communicating, like sitting and talking to a female. "Check out Reggie parlayin with Shana."
4. A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT...AND HUMOR
"As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it, or leave it."~ Buddy Hackett
copyright 2008 :: Youth Specialties300 S. Pierce St. El Cajon, CA 92020 888.346.4179
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Your teen....self-centered? Nah!
1. TOOLS FOR PARENTING TEENS
This week's article is a continuation of the Growing Up, Preteen series by Mark Oestreicher. This week Mark helps parents understand and cope with preteen self-centeredness.
QUESTION: Why is my pre-teen suddenly so self-centered? It seems like she thinks the whole world revolves around her!
This is an almost universal issue with pre-teens and young teens. Consequently, the frustration parents and youth workers experience is also almost universal! Kids who were, just months ago, generous and outward-focused turn into themselves and become seemingly obsessed with themselves and incapable of noticing others.
EVERYTHING'S ABOUT ME!
Self-centeredness is a natural fungus on the tree of development. Your pre-teen might still have a shred of others-focus; but it will disappear soon! The almost-crazy amount of change going on in the lives of young teens (11 – 14 year olds), draws every remaining bit of noticing others in on itself. All young teens (and older pre-teens) see themselves at the center of the universe.
For example: if you walk across the back of a crowded lecture room (say, church), you will try to be quiet as to not distract – but you won't assume people paying attention and facing the opposite direction are noticing you. Not so with young teens. In the same situation, they'll assume that everyone in the room is watching them (apparently through the back of their heads!) and evaluating their every move.
This self-centeredness is natural, but that doesn't mean parents should just ignore it. There are many ways to counter this; but I've found that the absolute best antidote is experience – experience that forces their attention off of themselves. Give them experiences serving others in need (through a day helping at a soup-kitchen, or a family mission trip, or other service projects). For a pre-teen, this establishes a pattern of noticing others needs. For a young teen, it can create a small opportunity for noticing that the world is more than them (and that will work like yeast, spreading into their worldview).
EVERYTHING'S NOW!
A related issue is how "in the moment" pre-teens and young teens seem to live. If you ask their favorite movie of all time, they'll answer the one they saw last week. They don't have a sense of the past (and I'm talking about their own past, not anything grander than that!), and often don't have a sense of the future either.
Think of it this way: as an adult, you're making decisions on the road of life. And you can look in the rear-view mirror and see the long straight-away behind you, including the choices of life. You can look at the long straight-away ahead of you, and get a sense of what's to come. But preteens and young teens are on a sharp curve in the road of life (the curve of transition and developmental change). The rearview mirror doesn't show much; and the front view is a blind curve.
This can be maddening for parents. Ask speculation questions about the future to help your child begin to see more of the road (he won't naturally do this on his own). Share your own thoughts about the future (as well as the past).
And remember, the curve in the road – with its self-centeredness and "all is now" perspectives – will pass. This is the normal stuff of preteen development – and it's the plan God designed for your child to go through at this time of life!
**
Mark Oestreicher is the president of Youth Specialties (www.YouthSpecialties.com), the leading provider of resources and training for Christian youth workers. Marko speaks to parents, teens and youth workers around the world, and writes books (mostly for youth ministry and young teens). He lives in San Diego with his wife, Jeannie, and his two kids, Liesl and Max.
**
2. LINKS TO LEARN FROM
Prescription Drug Abuse Still a Big Problemhttp://news10now.com/content/all_news/127560/local-teens-using-prescription-drugs-in-schools/Default.aspx
Riding the Highs and Lows of Teenage Faith Developmenthttp://fulleryouthinstitute.org/2008/11/riding-the-highs-and-lows-of-teenage-faith-development/
3. INSIDE YOUR TEEN'S WORLD...Random things you may not have heard about...
Holiday Shopping Preview and Forecasthttp://gendigital.typepad.com/gendigital/2008/11/holiday-shopping-preview-forecast.html
UK Kids and Teens Communicate Nonstophttp://www.emarketer.com/Article.aspx?id=1006721
4. LEARN THEIR LINGO...Some slang and texting lingo for you to speak (or at least understand)
- Cheezin' = Smiling
- Dropped the dime = Told on someone
5. A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT...AND HUMOR
"When we choose to be parents, we accept another human being as part of ourselves, and a large part of our emotional selves will stay with that person as long as we live. From that time on, there will be another person on this earth whose orbit around us will affect us as surely as the moon affects the tides, and affect us in some ways more deeply than anyone else can. Our children are extensions of ourselves." ~ Fred Rogers
copyright 2008 :: Youth Specialties300 S. Pierce St. El Cajon, CA 92020 888.346.4179
This week's article is a continuation of the Growing Up, Preteen series by Mark Oestreicher. This week Mark helps parents understand and cope with preteen self-centeredness.
QUESTION: Why is my pre-teen suddenly so self-centered? It seems like she thinks the whole world revolves around her!
This is an almost universal issue with pre-teens and young teens. Consequently, the frustration parents and youth workers experience is also almost universal! Kids who were, just months ago, generous and outward-focused turn into themselves and become seemingly obsessed with themselves and incapable of noticing others.
EVERYTHING'S ABOUT ME!
Self-centeredness is a natural fungus on the tree of development. Your pre-teen might still have a shred of others-focus; but it will disappear soon! The almost-crazy amount of change going on in the lives of young teens (11 – 14 year olds), draws every remaining bit of noticing others in on itself. All young teens (and older pre-teens) see themselves at the center of the universe.
For example: if you walk across the back of a crowded lecture room (say, church), you will try to be quiet as to not distract – but you won't assume people paying attention and facing the opposite direction are noticing you. Not so with young teens. In the same situation, they'll assume that everyone in the room is watching them (apparently through the back of their heads!) and evaluating their every move.
This self-centeredness is natural, but that doesn't mean parents should just ignore it. There are many ways to counter this; but I've found that the absolute best antidote is experience – experience that forces their attention off of themselves. Give them experiences serving others in need (through a day helping at a soup-kitchen, or a family mission trip, or other service projects). For a pre-teen, this establishes a pattern of noticing others needs. For a young teen, it can create a small opportunity for noticing that the world is more than them (and that will work like yeast, spreading into their worldview).
EVERYTHING'S NOW!
A related issue is how "in the moment" pre-teens and young teens seem to live. If you ask their favorite movie of all time, they'll answer the one they saw last week. They don't have a sense of the past (and I'm talking about their own past, not anything grander than that!), and often don't have a sense of the future either.
Think of it this way: as an adult, you're making decisions on the road of life. And you can look in the rear-view mirror and see the long straight-away behind you, including the choices of life. You can look at the long straight-away ahead of you, and get a sense of what's to come. But preteens and young teens are on a sharp curve in the road of life (the curve of transition and developmental change). The rearview mirror doesn't show much; and the front view is a blind curve.
This can be maddening for parents. Ask speculation questions about the future to help your child begin to see more of the road (he won't naturally do this on his own). Share your own thoughts about the future (as well as the past).
And remember, the curve in the road – with its self-centeredness and "all is now" perspectives – will pass. This is the normal stuff of preteen development – and it's the plan God designed for your child to go through at this time of life!
**
Mark Oestreicher is the president of Youth Specialties (www.YouthSpecialties.com), the leading provider of resources and training for Christian youth workers. Marko speaks to parents, teens and youth workers around the world, and writes books (mostly for youth ministry and young teens). He lives in San Diego with his wife, Jeannie, and his two kids, Liesl and Max.
**
2. LINKS TO LEARN FROM
Prescription Drug Abuse Still a Big Problemhttp://news10now.com/content/all_news/127560/local-teens-using-prescription-drugs-in-schools/Default.aspx
Riding the Highs and Lows of Teenage Faith Developmenthttp://fulleryouthinstitute.org/2008/11/riding-the-highs-and-lows-of-teenage-faith-development/
3. INSIDE YOUR TEEN'S WORLD...Random things you may not have heard about...
Holiday Shopping Preview and Forecasthttp://gendigital.typepad.com/gendigital/2008/11/holiday-shopping-preview-forecast.html
UK Kids and Teens Communicate Nonstophttp://www.emarketer.com/Article.aspx?id=1006721
4. LEARN THEIR LINGO...Some slang and texting lingo for you to speak (or at least understand)
- Cheezin' = Smiling
- Dropped the dime = Told on someone
5. A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT...AND HUMOR
"When we choose to be parents, we accept another human being as part of ourselves, and a large part of our emotional selves will stay with that person as long as we live. From that time on, there will be another person on this earth whose orbit around us will affect us as surely as the moon affects the tides, and affect us in some ways more deeply than anyone else can. Our children are extensions of ourselves." ~ Fred Rogers
copyright 2008 :: Youth Specialties300 S. Pierce St. El Cajon, CA 92020 888.346.4179
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Slow down! Whew!
FOR PARENTS
INCREASING SLOWNESS
When my children were young, track meets filled part of each week during the spring. One particularly hot spring day, I attended a junior high track meet, arriving in the middle of the boys' 1500 meter race. During the last lap of the race, the audience stood, cheering two boys running side-by-side for the final fifty meters. A short distance behind them ran a pack of about four or five boys jockeying for third place. The crowd broke into applause for the first and second-place finishers, and then crescendoed as the pack fought for third place.
Another runner suddenly caught my attention. As I looked down the track, I saw one boy lagging far behind. Poor kid. The portly seventh grader struggled for each breath, his face red and sweaty, the main artery in his neck bulging and throbbing to supply oxygen to his deprived muscles.
Suddenly the woman to my left stepped over me and rushed down to the railing overlooking the track--obviously the boy's mother.
She screamed, "Johnny, run faster!"
I wish you could have seen the incredulous look on the boy's face. He had to be thinking, Mom! I'm running as fast as I can!
Spiritual growth does not happen by running faster.
What keeps many of us from growing is not sin but speed.
Most of us are just like Johnny. We are going as fast as we can, living life at a dizzying speed, and God is nowhere to be found. We're not rejecting God; we just don't have time for him. We've lost him in the blurred landscape as we rush to church. We don't struggle with the Bible, but with the clock. It's not that we're too decadent; we're too busy. We don't feel guilty because of sin, but because we have no time for our spouses, our children, or our God. It's not sinning too much that's killing our souls, it's our schedule that's annihilating us. Most of us don't come home at night staggering drunk. Instead, we come home staggering tired, worn out, exhausted, and drained because we live too fast.
Speed is not neutral. Fast living used to mean a life of debauchery; now it just means fast, but the consequences are even more serious. Speeding through life endangers our relationships and our souls.
Voices surround us, always telling us to move faster. It may be our boss, our pastor, our parents, our wives, our husbands, our politicians, or, sadly, even ourselves. So we comply. We increase the speed. We live life in the fast lane because we have no slow lanes anymore. Every lane is fast, and the only comfort our culture can offer is more lanes and increased speed limits. The result? Too many of us are running as fast as we can, and an alarming number of us are running much faster than we can sustain.
Speed damages our souls because living fast consumes every ounce of our energy. Speed has a deafening roar that drowns out the whispering voices of our souls and leaves Jesus as a diminishing speck in the rearview mirror.
Spiritual growth is not running faster, as in more meetings, more Bible studies, and more prayer meetings. Spiritual growth happens when we slow our activity down. If we want to meet Jesus, we can't do it on the run. If we want to stay on the road of faith, we have to hit the brakes, pull over to a rest area, and stop. Christianity is not about inviting Jesus to speed through life with us; it's about noticing Jesus sitting at the rest stop.
While the church earnestly warns Christians to watch for the devil, the devil is sitting in the congregation encouraging everyone to keep busy doing "good things." I just received a letter from a woman minister who was on the edge of crashing and burning. She and her family had joined a growing, active church and quickly volunteered to help. But two years later, she realized that her entire family was speeding by each other in unrestrained zeal to lead one activity or another at church every week.
"Run faster!" this woman's church bulletin screamed, but the only way she could save her soul from death was to slow down, which meant finding a new job.
Sin does not always drive us to drink; more often it drives us to exhaustion. Tiredness is equally as debilitating as drunkenness. Burnout is slang for an inner tiredness, a fatigue of our souls. Jesus came to forgive us all of our sins, including the sin of busyness. The problem with growth in the modern church is not the slowness of growth but the rushing of growth.
Jesus came to give us rest.
We know we are ready for God to work in our lives when we're tired. When our lives begin to weigh us down, God is present in the heaviness. It turns out that it's weariness that's next to godliness, because when our souls are tired, we are able to hear his voice, and according to Matthew 11:28, what he's saying is, "Come. Rest."
The ugly truth, however, is that many of us do not knowhow to rest!
Actually, we do know how to rest; we simply refuse to rest. Rest is a decision we make. Rest is choosing to do nothing when we have too much to do, slowing down when we feel pressure to go faster, stopping instead of starting. Rest is listening to our weariness and responding to our tiredness, not to what is making us tired. Rest is what happens when we say one simple word: "No!" Rest is the ultimate humiliation because in order to rest, we must admit we are not necessary, that the world can get along without us, that God's work does not depend on us. Once we understand how unnecessary we are, only then might we find the right reasons to say yes. Only then might we find the right reasons to decide to be with Jesus instead of working for him. Only then might we have the courage to take a nap with Jesus.
SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT
1. What do you, as a parent, need to say "no" to in order to slow down?
2. What do you need to help your child say "no" to help them slow down?
**
Mike Yaconelli was the co-founder of Youth Specialties. He spent 43 years of his life in ministry to youth, and 20 years as a pastor of a small church in Yreka, California. He wrote dozens of books for youth ministry. Before Mike passed away in October of 2003, he also wrote "Devotion" for students.
Learn more about and purchase the book, "Messy Spirituality" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=366
*Save 30% off the retail price of "Messy Spirituality" when you purchase it at the YS Store and use coupon code YPNNV1. This offer expires 11/19/08.
**
copyright 2008 :: Youth Specialties300 S. Pierce St. El Cajon, CA 92020 888.346.4179
INCREASING SLOWNESS
When my children were young, track meets filled part of each week during the spring. One particularly hot spring day, I attended a junior high track meet, arriving in the middle of the boys' 1500 meter race. During the last lap of the race, the audience stood, cheering two boys running side-by-side for the final fifty meters. A short distance behind them ran a pack of about four or five boys jockeying for third place. The crowd broke into applause for the first and second-place finishers, and then crescendoed as the pack fought for third place.
Another runner suddenly caught my attention. As I looked down the track, I saw one boy lagging far behind. Poor kid. The portly seventh grader struggled for each breath, his face red and sweaty, the main artery in his neck bulging and throbbing to supply oxygen to his deprived muscles.
Suddenly the woman to my left stepped over me and rushed down to the railing overlooking the track--obviously the boy's mother.
She screamed, "Johnny, run faster!"
I wish you could have seen the incredulous look on the boy's face. He had to be thinking, Mom! I'm running as fast as I can!
Spiritual growth does not happen by running faster.
What keeps many of us from growing is not sin but speed.
Most of us are just like Johnny. We are going as fast as we can, living life at a dizzying speed, and God is nowhere to be found. We're not rejecting God; we just don't have time for him. We've lost him in the blurred landscape as we rush to church. We don't struggle with the Bible, but with the clock. It's not that we're too decadent; we're too busy. We don't feel guilty because of sin, but because we have no time for our spouses, our children, or our God. It's not sinning too much that's killing our souls, it's our schedule that's annihilating us. Most of us don't come home at night staggering drunk. Instead, we come home staggering tired, worn out, exhausted, and drained because we live too fast.
Speed is not neutral. Fast living used to mean a life of debauchery; now it just means fast, but the consequences are even more serious. Speeding through life endangers our relationships and our souls.
Voices surround us, always telling us to move faster. It may be our boss, our pastor, our parents, our wives, our husbands, our politicians, or, sadly, even ourselves. So we comply. We increase the speed. We live life in the fast lane because we have no slow lanes anymore. Every lane is fast, and the only comfort our culture can offer is more lanes and increased speed limits. The result? Too many of us are running as fast as we can, and an alarming number of us are running much faster than we can sustain.
Speed damages our souls because living fast consumes every ounce of our energy. Speed has a deafening roar that drowns out the whispering voices of our souls and leaves Jesus as a diminishing speck in the rearview mirror.
Spiritual growth is not running faster, as in more meetings, more Bible studies, and more prayer meetings. Spiritual growth happens when we slow our activity down. If we want to meet Jesus, we can't do it on the run. If we want to stay on the road of faith, we have to hit the brakes, pull over to a rest area, and stop. Christianity is not about inviting Jesus to speed through life with us; it's about noticing Jesus sitting at the rest stop.
While the church earnestly warns Christians to watch for the devil, the devil is sitting in the congregation encouraging everyone to keep busy doing "good things." I just received a letter from a woman minister who was on the edge of crashing and burning. She and her family had joined a growing, active church and quickly volunteered to help. But two years later, she realized that her entire family was speeding by each other in unrestrained zeal to lead one activity or another at church every week.
"Run faster!" this woman's church bulletin screamed, but the only way she could save her soul from death was to slow down, which meant finding a new job.
Sin does not always drive us to drink; more often it drives us to exhaustion. Tiredness is equally as debilitating as drunkenness. Burnout is slang for an inner tiredness, a fatigue of our souls. Jesus came to forgive us all of our sins, including the sin of busyness. The problem with growth in the modern church is not the slowness of growth but the rushing of growth.
Jesus came to give us rest.
We know we are ready for God to work in our lives when we're tired. When our lives begin to weigh us down, God is present in the heaviness. It turns out that it's weariness that's next to godliness, because when our souls are tired, we are able to hear his voice, and according to Matthew 11:28, what he's saying is, "Come. Rest."
The ugly truth, however, is that many of us do not knowhow to rest!
Actually, we do know how to rest; we simply refuse to rest. Rest is a decision we make. Rest is choosing to do nothing when we have too much to do, slowing down when we feel pressure to go faster, stopping instead of starting. Rest is listening to our weariness and responding to our tiredness, not to what is making us tired. Rest is what happens when we say one simple word: "No!" Rest is the ultimate humiliation because in order to rest, we must admit we are not necessary, that the world can get along without us, that God's work does not depend on us. Once we understand how unnecessary we are, only then might we find the right reasons to say yes. Only then might we find the right reasons to decide to be with Jesus instead of working for him. Only then might we have the courage to take a nap with Jesus.
SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT
1. What do you, as a parent, need to say "no" to in order to slow down?
2. What do you need to help your child say "no" to help them slow down?
**
Mike Yaconelli was the co-founder of Youth Specialties. He spent 43 years of his life in ministry to youth, and 20 years as a pastor of a small church in Yreka, California. He wrote dozens of books for youth ministry. Before Mike passed away in October of 2003, he also wrote "Devotion" for students.
Learn more about and purchase the book, "Messy Spirituality" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=366
*Save 30% off the retail price of "Messy Spirituality" when you purchase it at the YS Store and use coupon code YPNNV1. This offer expires 11/19/08.
**
copyright 2008 :: Youth Specialties300 S. Pierce St. El Cajon, CA 92020 888.346.4179
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Save the Date!
Youth Events for 2009
JANUARY
January 3rd – co-ed paintball day for canned food (there will be a canned goods donation instead of a field fee.) January 4th – all weekly youth events start back up.
January 17th – Local Mission Trip at the Rescue Mission Center in Winston Salem.
January 18th – No Youth.
January 25th – United Methodist District Youth Rally Concert 2:30-5:30 PM.
FEBRUARY
February 1st – Chili Bowl Youth Fundraiser and Super Bowl Party!
February 6-8th – Sr. High at UM ski trip and concert in Boone.
February 8th – No Youth; returning from a youth trip.
February 13-15th – Jr. high at UM ski trip and concert at Lake Junaluska.
February 15th – No Youth; returning from a youth trip.
February 21st – Winter Jam in Greensboro.
February 25th – Ash Wednesday – all youth encouraged to go to this special service.
MARCH
March – Girls Night Out and Dude’s Night Out weekend events for Jr. high’s and one weekend for sr. high’s.
APRIL
April 5th – Easter Party and special programming.
April 9th – Maundy Thursday Church Service at 7 PM.
April 10th – Youth Cross Walk followed by special service 6 -8 PM.
April 12th – No Youth – Easter Sunday. Special church services at 7 AM, 8:45 AM, 10:00 AM & 11:00 AM.
MAY
May 3rd – Youth attending Church Picnic at 4 PM (we’ll bus them over and have youthy stuff there).
May 10th – Youth encouraged to spoil their Mama’s for Mother’s Day. (No youth meeting on this day.)
May 15-16th – Graduating Senior Beach Trip.
May 24th – No Youth, Memorial Day Weekend.
May 31st – Last evening of The Shade for the semester.
JUNE
June 7th- Graduating Senior Banquet/Roast 5:30- 7 PM. (Lovingly put together by the youth.)
June 14-21st – Wilderness Trail.
June 21-27th – Service project – help with church VBS.
July 3-12th – Sr. high Mission Trip to Indian Reservation in Oklahoma.
July 16-20th – Sr. high Rafting Camp.
July 26-31st – Jr. high Mission Trip to Savannah, Georgia.
AUGUST
August 8-10th or 15-17th – SpiritUs.
August 30th – Promotion Sunday – everyone moves up a grade in Sunday School and youth programs.
August 30th – Youth Starts up again!
SEPTEMBER
September 6th – No Youth, Labor Day Weekend.
OCTOBER
October 31-November 1st – Jesus Rave Halloween Lock-in.
NOVEMBER
November - Girls Night Out and Dude’s Night Out weekend events for Jr. high’s and one weekend for sr. high’s.
DECEMBER
December 6th – Youth Christmas Party.
Other dates such as local missions and Fall and Winter retreats TBA.
JANUARY
January 3rd – co-ed paintball day for canned food (there will be a canned goods donation instead of a field fee.) January 4th – all weekly youth events start back up.
January 17th – Local Mission Trip at the Rescue Mission Center in Winston Salem.
January 18th – No Youth.
January 25th – United Methodist District Youth Rally Concert 2:30-5:30 PM.
FEBRUARY
February 1st – Chili Bowl Youth Fundraiser and Super Bowl Party!
February 6-8th – Sr. High at UM ski trip and concert in Boone.
February 8th – No Youth; returning from a youth trip.
February 13-15th – Jr. high at UM ski trip and concert at Lake Junaluska.
February 15th – No Youth; returning from a youth trip.
February 21st – Winter Jam in Greensboro.
February 25th – Ash Wednesday – all youth encouraged to go to this special service.
MARCH
March – Girls Night Out and Dude’s Night Out weekend events for Jr. high’s and one weekend for sr. high’s.
APRIL
April 5th – Easter Party and special programming.
April 9th – Maundy Thursday Church Service at 7 PM.
April 10th – Youth Cross Walk followed by special service 6 -8 PM.
April 12th – No Youth – Easter Sunday. Special church services at 7 AM, 8:45 AM, 10:00 AM & 11:00 AM.
MAY
May 3rd – Youth attending Church Picnic at 4 PM (we’ll bus them over and have youthy stuff there).
May 10th – Youth encouraged to spoil their Mama’s for Mother’s Day. (No youth meeting on this day.)
May 15-16th – Graduating Senior Beach Trip.
May 24th – No Youth, Memorial Day Weekend.
May 31st – Last evening of The Shade for the semester.
JUNE
June 7th- Graduating Senior Banquet/Roast 5:30- 7 PM. (Lovingly put together by the youth.)
June 14-21st – Wilderness Trail.
June 21-27th – Service project – help with church VBS.
July 3-12th – Sr. high Mission Trip to Indian Reservation in Oklahoma.
July 16-20th – Sr. high Rafting Camp.
July 26-31st – Jr. high Mission Trip to Savannah, Georgia.
AUGUST
August 8-10th or 15-17th – SpiritUs.
August 30th – Promotion Sunday – everyone moves up a grade in Sunday School and youth programs.
August 30th – Youth Starts up again!
SEPTEMBER
September 6th – No Youth, Labor Day Weekend.
OCTOBER
October 31-November 1st – Jesus Rave Halloween Lock-in.
NOVEMBER
November - Girls Night Out and Dude’s Night Out weekend events for Jr. high’s and one weekend for sr. high’s.
DECEMBER
December 6th – Youth Christmas Party.
Other dates such as local missions and Fall and Winter retreats TBA.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Make it "stick" for test scores?
CONTENTS
1. Tools for Parenting Teens
2. Links to Learn From
3. Learn Their Lingo
4. A Little Encouragement...And Humor
===========our sponsor===========DISCOVER HOW TO PRAY GOD'S WILL FOR THEIR LIVES
It's never been tougher to be a teenager--or the parent of one. Thankfully, from your teen's first date to the next time he or she borrows the car keys, you can take your concerns to God through prayer. Drawing on God's Word, "Praying the Scriptures for Your Teenagers" offers palpable help to pray about the stormy issues your teen faces.
Learn more about and purchase the book, "Praying the Scriptures for Your Teenagers" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=1851
*Save 30% off the retail price of "Praying the Scriptures for Your Teenagers" when you use Coupon Code YPNOT4 and order by 11/5/08.
================================
1. TOOLS FOR PARENTING TEENS
This week's article is a continuation of the Growing Up, Preteen series by Mark Oestreicher. Mark asks an important question for parents to consider...
GROWING UP, PRETEEN: CONTENT OR PROCESS?
What's more important to learn during pre-teen and young teen years: content or process?
This is a very important question for parents to consider, especially with the current trend toward a college--prep emphasis in school culture. School curriculum often teaches toward test scores. Even Christian schools, who are rarely involved in state testing, often focus on cramming content with an eye to college acceptance.
Many churches take a similar approach: load pre-teens and young teens with info during this formative age, in hopes that it will "stick" and become a guiding force in their lives.
Unfortunately, this is quite misguided.
Just prior to puberty (around 10 or 11 years-old), your child's brain does a wonderful thing: it grows an abundance of new connections. Like a massive infiltration of tree roots grasping for earth, these new connections between various parts of the brain open up a world of possibilities.
However, these new connections are only that: possibilities. There is no good way to use them all. So, those connections that get exercised and used end up forming a dominant part of the brain's function through the rest of life. And those connections that are used less, well, they'll always be used less.
What does this tell us? It's essential that the pre-teen and young teen years be about learning how to think. Process, "what if", and "why?" are critical. Discovery is the best learning mode (for spiritual learning or academic learning). If young teens exercise this part of their developing brains, it will positively impact their lifelong thinking, their spiritual growth (after all, spiritual stuff is abstract), their emotional health, their relational maturity, and their desire to continue growing and learning.
So, make room for "why?" and "what if?" Those are questions of speculation (a brand-new, but wimpy, ability for young teens). Encourage discovery. Don't be threatened by questioned values and boundary-pushing. This is the best stuff of early-adolescent brain development!
OUTSIDE-THE-BOX BOOK RECOMMENDATION"Not Much Just Chillin': The Hidden Lives of Middle Schoolers", by Linda Perlstein (Farrar, Straus and Giroux, New York)
I've just finished reading the most significant book about young teens written in a decade (in my opinion) – and I read them all. Linda Perlstein is an education editor for the Washington Post. But she took a year off her day-job, and weaved her way into the lives and homes and classrooms of the average public middle school kids Wilde Lake Middle School in Columbia, Maryland (a suburb of Washington, DC).
Perlstein writes as a journalist (not a researcher, nor a storyteller). But she warmly riddles the book with research and stories. Reading this book will give parents a wonderful extended glimpse into all the issues we only touch on in this column. Every parent of a current or future middle school student needs to read this book:http://www.amazon.com/Not-Much-Just-Chillin-Schoolers/dp/0345475763/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1224634943&sr=8-1
**
Mark Oestreicher is the president of Youth Specialties (www.YouthSpecialties.com), the leading provider of resources and training for Christian youth workers. Marko speaks to parents, teens and youth workers around the world, and writes books (mostly for youth ministry and young teens). He lives in San Diego with his wife, Jeannie, and his two kids, Liesl and Max.
**
2. LINKS TO LEARN FROM
The National Parenting Center has many short articles written by child-rearing experts. http://www.tnpc.com/article/showcat.asp?n=7
Discovery Health: Teen Center – several articles dealing with teenage issues. http://health.discovery.com/centers/teen/takingrisks/risks.html
3. LEARN THEIR LINGO...Some slang and texting lingo for you to speak (or at least understand)
- M&M = Alright, a little above mediocre. "Do you like that youth pastor?" "Yea, he's M&M."
- Shero = A female hero. "Superwoman is such a shero."
4. A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT...AND HUMOR
"In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television." ~ Erma Bombeck
copyright 2008 :: Youth Specialties300 S. Pierce St. El Cajon, CA 92020 888.346.4179
1. Tools for Parenting Teens
2. Links to Learn From
3. Learn Their Lingo
4. A Little Encouragement...And Humor
===========our sponsor===========DISCOVER HOW TO PRAY GOD'S WILL FOR THEIR LIVES
It's never been tougher to be a teenager--or the parent of one. Thankfully, from your teen's first date to the next time he or she borrows the car keys, you can take your concerns to God through prayer. Drawing on God's Word, "Praying the Scriptures for Your Teenagers" offers palpable help to pray about the stormy issues your teen faces.
Learn more about and purchase the book, "Praying the Scriptures for Your Teenagers" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=1851
*Save 30% off the retail price of "Praying the Scriptures for Your Teenagers" when you use Coupon Code YPNOT4 and order by 11/5/08.
================================
1. TOOLS FOR PARENTING TEENS
This week's article is a continuation of the Growing Up, Preteen series by Mark Oestreicher. Mark asks an important question for parents to consider...
GROWING UP, PRETEEN: CONTENT OR PROCESS?
What's more important to learn during pre-teen and young teen years: content or process?
This is a very important question for parents to consider, especially with the current trend toward a college--prep emphasis in school culture. School curriculum often teaches toward test scores. Even Christian schools, who are rarely involved in state testing, often focus on cramming content with an eye to college acceptance.
Many churches take a similar approach: load pre-teens and young teens with info during this formative age, in hopes that it will "stick" and become a guiding force in their lives.
Unfortunately, this is quite misguided.
Just prior to puberty (around 10 or 11 years-old), your child's brain does a wonderful thing: it grows an abundance of new connections. Like a massive infiltration of tree roots grasping for earth, these new connections between various parts of the brain open up a world of possibilities.
However, these new connections are only that: possibilities. There is no good way to use them all. So, those connections that get exercised and used end up forming a dominant part of the brain's function through the rest of life. And those connections that are used less, well, they'll always be used less.
What does this tell us? It's essential that the pre-teen and young teen years be about learning how to think. Process, "what if", and "why?" are critical. Discovery is the best learning mode (for spiritual learning or academic learning). If young teens exercise this part of their developing brains, it will positively impact their lifelong thinking, their spiritual growth (after all, spiritual stuff is abstract), their emotional health, their relational maturity, and their desire to continue growing and learning.
So, make room for "why?" and "what if?" Those are questions of speculation (a brand-new, but wimpy, ability for young teens). Encourage discovery. Don't be threatened by questioned values and boundary-pushing. This is the best stuff of early-adolescent brain development!
OUTSIDE-THE-BOX BOOK RECOMMENDATION"Not Much Just Chillin': The Hidden Lives of Middle Schoolers", by Linda Perlstein (Farrar, Straus and Giroux, New York)
I've just finished reading the most significant book about young teens written in a decade (in my opinion) – and I read them all. Linda Perlstein is an education editor for the Washington Post. But she took a year off her day-job, and weaved her way into the lives and homes and classrooms of the average public middle school kids Wilde Lake Middle School in Columbia, Maryland (a suburb of Washington, DC).
Perlstein writes as a journalist (not a researcher, nor a storyteller). But she warmly riddles the book with research and stories. Reading this book will give parents a wonderful extended glimpse into all the issues we only touch on in this column. Every parent of a current or future middle school student needs to read this book:http://www.amazon.com/Not-Much-Just-Chillin-Schoolers/dp/0345475763/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1224634943&sr=8-1
**
Mark Oestreicher is the president of Youth Specialties (www.YouthSpecialties.com), the leading provider of resources and training for Christian youth workers. Marko speaks to parents, teens and youth workers around the world, and writes books (mostly for youth ministry and young teens). He lives in San Diego with his wife, Jeannie, and his two kids, Liesl and Max.
**
2. LINKS TO LEARN FROM
The National Parenting Center has many short articles written by child-rearing experts. http://www.tnpc.com/article/showcat.asp?n=7
Discovery Health: Teen Center – several articles dealing with teenage issues. http://health.discovery.com/centers/teen/takingrisks/risks.html
3. LEARN THEIR LINGO...Some slang and texting lingo for you to speak (or at least understand)
- M&M = Alright, a little above mediocre. "Do you like that youth pastor?" "Yea, he's M&M."
- Shero = A female hero. "Superwoman is such a shero."
4. A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT...AND HUMOR
"In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television." ~ Erma Bombeck
copyright 2008 :: Youth Specialties300 S. Pierce St. El Cajon, CA 92020 888.346.4179
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Growing Up Preteen
CONTENTS
1. Tools for Parenting Teens
2. Links to Learn From
3. Learn Their Lingo
4. A Little Encouragement...And Humor
===========our sponsor===========NEW GMC REALITY SHOW YOU CAN WATCH WITH YOUR KIDS!
REVOLVE: ROCKIN' THE ROAD debuts on Gospel Music Channel Friday, October 17 at 11pm ET/8pm PT Encore Saturday at 11pm ET/8pm PT
When four friends go on tour, real-life drama follows. Gather your whole family to see how the cast and crew of Revolve handle life on the road, and help teens across the country tackle their toughest issues. From dating to tattoos, it doesn't get more real than this:http://www.gospelmusicchannel.com/revolve
===========our sponsor===========THE PARENT YOU WANT TO BE
When it comes to parenting, who you are is more important than what you do. "The Parent You Want to Be" shows you how to select your top four or five "intentional traits" and pass them along to your children. It's a revolutionary approach that you won't find in any other parenting book.
Learn more about and purchase "The Parent You Want to Be" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=435
*Save 30% off the retail price of "The Parent You Want to Be" when you use Coupon Code YPNOT3 and order by 10/29/08.
================================
1. TOOLS FOR PARENTING TEENS
GROWING UP, PRETEENWelcome to the world of paradox!
If you have a preteen or a young teen living in your home, you gain a whole new appreciation for the concept of paradox. These wonderful kids completely embody every meaning of the word. In so many areas, they seem to be both one thing, as well as the polar opposite! (This can be quite maddening, and paradoxically, quite exciting!) It's all about transition, baby.
Here's a list of a few you might notice:
Young teens can be incredibly trusting, but will only listen to someone who's honest and transparent. Young teens (and especially preteens) don't have the jaded skepticism of their older teen brothers and sisters. They are very willing to trust – a wonderful characteristic that shouldn't be missed. This time of life is, in many ways, a last-stop refueling station into the long desert drive of adolescence. Take this opportunity to build on that trust, to show that your word is good.
At the same time, they are beginning to develop a more adult sense of the baloney-detection. If you want to be an example to your young teen, if you want to continue in a role of impacting their lives, it's essential that you do so through a commitment to honesty and vulnerability. This can be pretty tough, even threatening. When you're wrong, it's crucial that you admit it. If they sniff out insincerity or hypocrisy in your or your words, you'll quickly lose your place of leadership in their lives.
They'll catch less than you'd think, yet they're savvier than you'd expect. This is a tricky one, but so true! Because the life of a young teen is all about change (physical, intellectual, spiritual, emotional, psychological), they have a huge tendency to "in-one-ear-out-the-other" behavior. You've certainly experienced this! You explained to your daughter why a certain behavior is a bad choice, and two weeks later, she seems to have no memory of that discussion. Often that's because she really doesn't have a memory of that discussion!
But at the same time, young teens are developing a very savvy ability to see through charades, to understand when they're being marketed to, and to be aware of consequences. Often what happens with kids this age is that they are savvy enough to understand a situation, but not enough to apply it to their lives.
They want to be treated like adults, but have the opportunity to act like children. This has enormous implications. They're caught in an in-between world. They know where they want to go: they know they want to be treated like adults, to have more freedoms, to make more decisions on their own, to not be treated as if they were 4th graders. It's important to talk to young teens with an adult voice, and to begin the move to a come-alongside perspective.
But at the same time, they are still very much children, and need the opportunity to act that out, without pressure to grow up too soon. A girl may move out of her childhood music choices, but still love to play with Barbie dolls. Allow her to live in that place. A boy may desire to sit at the adult table at family gatherings, but still keep a childhood stuffed animal on his bed. Don't rush them into adulthood, but don't treat them like little kids anymore either.
Some are really young adults, while some are really children, and most are both. The reality is this: it's not that the young teen living in your home is either a child or a young adult (with some magic line being crossed at some point); it's that she's both, at the same time. Young teens aren't just in-between, they're in an overlap zone – childhood remains, while they've already stepped into the young adult world.
Living with paradox isn't easy! But it's not only the reality of the young teen years, it's somehow part of God's wonderful design for this transition to healthy independence and adulthood. Have fun!
**
Mark Oestreicher is the president of Youth Specialties (www.YouthSpecialties.com), the leading provider of resources and training for Christian youth workers. Marko speaks to parents, teens and youth workers around the world, and writes books (mostly for youth ministry and young teens). He lives in San Diego with his wife, Jeannie, and his two kids, Liesl and Max.
**
2. LINKS TO LEARN FROM
Ford's MyKey aims to help parents watch new drivershttp://www.freep.com/article/20081007/BUSINESS01/810070331/1002/BUSINESS
Cyberbullying Will Stop When Adults Level With Their Kidshttp://mashable.com/2008/10/04/cyberbullying-adults-kids/
3. LEARN THEIR LINGO...Some slang and texting lingo for you to speak (or at least understand)
- AITR - Adult in the Room
4. A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT...AND HUMOR
"We are the people our parents warned us about." ~ Jimmy Buffett
copyright 2008 :: Youth Specialties300 S. Pierce St. El Cajon, CA 92020 888.346.4179
1. Tools for Parenting Teens
2. Links to Learn From
3. Learn Their Lingo
4. A Little Encouragement...And Humor
===========our sponsor===========NEW GMC REALITY SHOW YOU CAN WATCH WITH YOUR KIDS!
REVOLVE: ROCKIN' THE ROAD debuts on Gospel Music Channel Friday, October 17 at 11pm ET/8pm PT Encore Saturday at 11pm ET/8pm PT
When four friends go on tour, real-life drama follows. Gather your whole family to see how the cast and crew of Revolve handle life on the road, and help teens across the country tackle their toughest issues. From dating to tattoos, it doesn't get more real than this:http://www.gospelmusicchannel.com/revolve
===========our sponsor===========THE PARENT YOU WANT TO BE
When it comes to parenting, who you are is more important than what you do. "The Parent You Want to Be" shows you how to select your top four or five "intentional traits" and pass them along to your children. It's a revolutionary approach that you won't find in any other parenting book.
Learn more about and purchase "The Parent You Want to Be" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=435
*Save 30% off the retail price of "The Parent You Want to Be" when you use Coupon Code YPNOT3 and order by 10/29/08.
================================
1. TOOLS FOR PARENTING TEENS
GROWING UP, PRETEENWelcome to the world of paradox!
If you have a preteen or a young teen living in your home, you gain a whole new appreciation for the concept of paradox. These wonderful kids completely embody every meaning of the word. In so many areas, they seem to be both one thing, as well as the polar opposite! (This can be quite maddening, and paradoxically, quite exciting!) It's all about transition, baby.
Here's a list of a few you might notice:
Young teens can be incredibly trusting, but will only listen to someone who's honest and transparent. Young teens (and especially preteens) don't have the jaded skepticism of their older teen brothers and sisters. They are very willing to trust – a wonderful characteristic that shouldn't be missed. This time of life is, in many ways, a last-stop refueling station into the long desert drive of adolescence. Take this opportunity to build on that trust, to show that your word is good.
At the same time, they are beginning to develop a more adult sense of the baloney-detection. If you want to be an example to your young teen, if you want to continue in a role of impacting their lives, it's essential that you do so through a commitment to honesty and vulnerability. This can be pretty tough, even threatening. When you're wrong, it's crucial that you admit it. If they sniff out insincerity or hypocrisy in your or your words, you'll quickly lose your place of leadership in their lives.
They'll catch less than you'd think, yet they're savvier than you'd expect. This is a tricky one, but so true! Because the life of a young teen is all about change (physical, intellectual, spiritual, emotional, psychological), they have a huge tendency to "in-one-ear-out-the-other" behavior. You've certainly experienced this! You explained to your daughter why a certain behavior is a bad choice, and two weeks later, she seems to have no memory of that discussion. Often that's because she really doesn't have a memory of that discussion!
But at the same time, young teens are developing a very savvy ability to see through charades, to understand when they're being marketed to, and to be aware of consequences. Often what happens with kids this age is that they are savvy enough to understand a situation, but not enough to apply it to their lives.
They want to be treated like adults, but have the opportunity to act like children. This has enormous implications. They're caught in an in-between world. They know where they want to go: they know they want to be treated like adults, to have more freedoms, to make more decisions on their own, to not be treated as if they were 4th graders. It's important to talk to young teens with an adult voice, and to begin the move to a come-alongside perspective.
But at the same time, they are still very much children, and need the opportunity to act that out, without pressure to grow up too soon. A girl may move out of her childhood music choices, but still love to play with Barbie dolls. Allow her to live in that place. A boy may desire to sit at the adult table at family gatherings, but still keep a childhood stuffed animal on his bed. Don't rush them into adulthood, but don't treat them like little kids anymore either.
Some are really young adults, while some are really children, and most are both. The reality is this: it's not that the young teen living in your home is either a child or a young adult (with some magic line being crossed at some point); it's that she's both, at the same time. Young teens aren't just in-between, they're in an overlap zone – childhood remains, while they've already stepped into the young adult world.
Living with paradox isn't easy! But it's not only the reality of the young teen years, it's somehow part of God's wonderful design for this transition to healthy independence and adulthood. Have fun!
**
Mark Oestreicher is the president of Youth Specialties (www.YouthSpecialties.com), the leading provider of resources and training for Christian youth workers. Marko speaks to parents, teens and youth workers around the world, and writes books (mostly for youth ministry and young teens). He lives in San Diego with his wife, Jeannie, and his two kids, Liesl and Max.
**
2. LINKS TO LEARN FROM
Ford's MyKey aims to help parents watch new drivershttp://www.freep.com/article/20081007/BUSINESS01/810070331/1002/BUSINESS
Cyberbullying Will Stop When Adults Level With Their Kidshttp://mashable.com/2008/10/04/cyberbullying-adults-kids/
3. LEARN THEIR LINGO...Some slang and texting lingo for you to speak (or at least understand)
- AITR - Adult in the Room
4. A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT...AND HUMOR
"We are the people our parents warned us about." ~ Jimmy Buffett
copyright 2008 :: Youth Specialties300 S. Pierce St. El Cajon, CA 92020 888.346.4179
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Home, Green Home
CONTENTS
1. Tools for Parenting Teens
2. Links to Learn From
3. Inside Your Teen's World
4. Learn Their Lingo
5. A Little Encouragement...And Humor
===========our sponsor===========SERVE GOD BY SAVING THE PLANET
Our planet is no longer the paradise God created. In "It's Easy Being Green" teens will learn how to honor God in the choices they make and they'll begin to understand the impact those choices have on the environment. Seventeen-year-old Emma Sleeth will help your students see how they can make a difference at school, around the house, and all over the world.
Learn more about and purchase the book, "It's Easy Being Green" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=393
*Save 30% off the retail price of "It's Easy Being Green" when you purchase it at the YS Store and use coupon code YPNOT2. This offer expires 10/22/08.
================================
1. TOOLS FOR PARENTING TEENS
This week's excerpt is from the book "It's Easy Being Green," by Emma Sleeth, written when she was 15 for teens. In this excerpt parents will learn ways to partner with their teens in greening their home.
HOME, GREEN HOME
I started recycling at a very young age.
Behind our house in Freeport there was a little path through the woods. The path led right to a parking lot that was located between our school and a little general store. And in that parking lot, there was a huge recycling receptacle--the kind we New Englanders call a "Silver Bullet." You know, it's one of those big metal containers with windows for different types of recyclable material--and usually a bit of graffiti on the outside.
That Silver Bullet was a beautiful thing.
When we were little, Clark and I used to race each other down the path. He always won. But I didn't care most of the time, because whenever our destination was that Silver Bullet, I was the real winner.
Panting, we would wait until no one was around, then Clark would boost me up to the "paper" window. I was small enough to wriggle through the opening into the little room carpeted by newspapers, cardboard boxes, and magazines. We had to go at just the right time: If it had just been emptied, there wasn't much in there and it was hard to climb back out; but if we went too late, not only was it hard to sift through all the contents but somebody might see me through the window. We also had to get there at the right time of day: Too early, and the sun wasn't high enough to shine through the little windows to illuminate my searches; too late, and people might dump paper on me as they brought their recycling during lunch break or after work.
With my brother keeping lookout, I would scrounge around among all the recycled paper, looking for two things: 1) interesting magazines we could cut pictures out of or use for origami paper, and 2) cereal box tops--the kind your school can get five cents for if you rip them off and bring them into the school office.
The school receptionist must have thought the Sleeth family did nothing but eat Cocoa Puff s all day. Actually, we never ate them--Mom always went for the healthy, granola-ish cereals that didn't have refundable box tops. But we managed to bring in many dollars worth of cardboard rectangles.
From our rather devious salvaging escapades as children, Clark and I learned a few things about recycling. We learned that cooperation is necessary for success: Yes, I did get stuck more than once when I tried to go in by myself. We also learned the truth of the old cliché: "One man's trash is another man's treasure." And finally, we learned that recycling often translates into money.
Recycling remains one of the most important things you can do at home to help care for the environment. If your family doesn't recycle, start now. At our house, we have four plastic tubs lined up in the pantry underneath the shelves: one for paper and cardboard, one for glass and plastic, one for steel cans, and one for aluminum cans. Some communities make recycling super-easy by offering curbside pick-up--you just set the recycling containers out with the trash cans. We need to take our materials to the recycling center, but we've found it's really not much extra effort. Whenever we need to run errands in Littleton, we take the first three bins to the center there. Whenever the fourth one fills up, we take it into the can refund center in St. Johnsbury. Recycling all these materials means we rarely have more than a paper bag full of garbage on the curb on trash day. Plus, there's the added bonus of being able to peruse the used book exchange at the recycling center whenever I go with Mom. One of my best Bible reference books came from the recycling center.
Composting comes right along with recycling. It makes so much sense. We have a pitcher that stays right by the sink to put food scraps in when we're doing the dishes or cooking. When the pitcher is full--usually about once a day--one of us will dump the contents on the compost pile by the side of our property. We've tried more complicated things like worms and different additives that are supposed to speed up the composting process, but we've found that our simple piles work just fine. Every few years, we just begin a new pile and add the decomposing material in the other pile to our garden. And because we take out the compost so often and clean out the pitcher each time, we've never had a problem with the food scraps getting smelly or attracting bugs. There's no lid, nothing added to the scraps to reduce odors--just quite a few apple cores and broccoli stalks that get taken out quite frequently.
There are so many things you can do around your own home to make it better for the environment. Some of the changes will require the cooperation of your family to maximize the impact, but you can start alone. Some of the changes may seem inconvenient at first, or too much like chores, but they can add so much to your life if you see them for what they really are: ways of honoring God and great opportunities to spend more time with your family working toward a common goal. Many of the changes will seem less onerous if you compare your lifestyle with those of teens living in areas of our world most severely affected by poverty and environmental problems. The worst "inconvenience" you encounter in trying to live a more earth-friendly life might seem like the height of luxury for teens in countries like Honduras or Haiti, who have to wonder if they have safe drinking water or clean air to breathe. And I'm willing to bet that a lot of the simple changes you can make around your house will also save money--money that you'd probably prefer to be giving to a charity or ministry rather than an electric company.
**
Emma Sleeth was fifteen years old when she wrote "It's Easy Being Green". As a junior in high school, she felt called to write about the biblical mandate to protect the environment--especially her generation's responsibility. She is a leader of the evangelical movement to prevent climate change. She learned about and developed her passion for environmentalism from her father, a doctor who wrote Serve God, Save the Planet: a Christian Call to Action. Now seventeen, Emma has received a scholarship to attend Asbury College. She and her family live in Wilmore, Kentucky.
Learn more about and purchase the book, "It's Easy Being Green" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=393
*Save 30% off the retail price of "It's Easy Being Green" when you purchase it at the YS Store and use coupon code YPNOT2. This offer expires 10/22/08.
**
2. LINKS TO LEARN FROM
Teenreads.com offers reviews and info on the latest and most popular books for teens.http://www.teenreads.com/
Help teens stay safe as they begin drivinghttp://www.allstate.com/tools-and-resources/parent-action-plan.aspx
3. INSIDE YOUR TEEN'S WORLD...Random things you may not have heard about...
Dating aggression is surprisingly common affecting 1 in 5 girls ages 14-18.http://lifestyle.msn.com/your-life/bigger-picture/articlegh.aspx?cp-documentid=10825470
4. LEARN THEIR LINGO...Some slang and texting lingo for you to speak (or at least understand)
- Screepy = A word made by the accidental combination of creepy and scary. It can be used in place of either word. "That is one screepy lookin' guy."
- Iced Out = wearing a lot of jewelry "Check out all that bling-bling, you're iced out!"
5. A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT...AND HUMOR
"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry." ~ Bill Cosby
copyright 2008 :: Youth Specialties300 S. Pierce St. El Cajon, CA 92020 888.346.4179
1. Tools for Parenting Teens
2. Links to Learn From
3. Inside Your Teen's World
4. Learn Their Lingo
5. A Little Encouragement...And Humor
===========our sponsor===========SERVE GOD BY SAVING THE PLANET
Our planet is no longer the paradise God created. In "It's Easy Being Green" teens will learn how to honor God in the choices they make and they'll begin to understand the impact those choices have on the environment. Seventeen-year-old Emma Sleeth will help your students see how they can make a difference at school, around the house, and all over the world.
Learn more about and purchase the book, "It's Easy Being Green" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=393
*Save 30% off the retail price of "It's Easy Being Green" when you purchase it at the YS Store and use coupon code YPNOT2. This offer expires 10/22/08.
================================
1. TOOLS FOR PARENTING TEENS
This week's excerpt is from the book "It's Easy Being Green," by Emma Sleeth, written when she was 15 for teens. In this excerpt parents will learn ways to partner with their teens in greening their home.
HOME, GREEN HOME
I started recycling at a very young age.
Behind our house in Freeport there was a little path through the woods. The path led right to a parking lot that was located between our school and a little general store. And in that parking lot, there was a huge recycling receptacle--the kind we New Englanders call a "Silver Bullet." You know, it's one of those big metal containers with windows for different types of recyclable material--and usually a bit of graffiti on the outside.
That Silver Bullet was a beautiful thing.
When we were little, Clark and I used to race each other down the path. He always won. But I didn't care most of the time, because whenever our destination was that Silver Bullet, I was the real winner.
Panting, we would wait until no one was around, then Clark would boost me up to the "paper" window. I was small enough to wriggle through the opening into the little room carpeted by newspapers, cardboard boxes, and magazines. We had to go at just the right time: If it had just been emptied, there wasn't much in there and it was hard to climb back out; but if we went too late, not only was it hard to sift through all the contents but somebody might see me through the window. We also had to get there at the right time of day: Too early, and the sun wasn't high enough to shine through the little windows to illuminate my searches; too late, and people might dump paper on me as they brought their recycling during lunch break or after work.
With my brother keeping lookout, I would scrounge around among all the recycled paper, looking for two things: 1) interesting magazines we could cut pictures out of or use for origami paper, and 2) cereal box tops--the kind your school can get five cents for if you rip them off and bring them into the school office.
The school receptionist must have thought the Sleeth family did nothing but eat Cocoa Puff s all day. Actually, we never ate them--Mom always went for the healthy, granola-ish cereals that didn't have refundable box tops. But we managed to bring in many dollars worth of cardboard rectangles.
From our rather devious salvaging escapades as children, Clark and I learned a few things about recycling. We learned that cooperation is necessary for success: Yes, I did get stuck more than once when I tried to go in by myself. We also learned the truth of the old cliché: "One man's trash is another man's treasure." And finally, we learned that recycling often translates into money.
Recycling remains one of the most important things you can do at home to help care for the environment. If your family doesn't recycle, start now. At our house, we have four plastic tubs lined up in the pantry underneath the shelves: one for paper and cardboard, one for glass and plastic, one for steel cans, and one for aluminum cans. Some communities make recycling super-easy by offering curbside pick-up--you just set the recycling containers out with the trash cans. We need to take our materials to the recycling center, but we've found it's really not much extra effort. Whenever we need to run errands in Littleton, we take the first three bins to the center there. Whenever the fourth one fills up, we take it into the can refund center in St. Johnsbury. Recycling all these materials means we rarely have more than a paper bag full of garbage on the curb on trash day. Plus, there's the added bonus of being able to peruse the used book exchange at the recycling center whenever I go with Mom. One of my best Bible reference books came from the recycling center.
Composting comes right along with recycling. It makes so much sense. We have a pitcher that stays right by the sink to put food scraps in when we're doing the dishes or cooking. When the pitcher is full--usually about once a day--one of us will dump the contents on the compost pile by the side of our property. We've tried more complicated things like worms and different additives that are supposed to speed up the composting process, but we've found that our simple piles work just fine. Every few years, we just begin a new pile and add the decomposing material in the other pile to our garden. And because we take out the compost so often and clean out the pitcher each time, we've never had a problem with the food scraps getting smelly or attracting bugs. There's no lid, nothing added to the scraps to reduce odors--just quite a few apple cores and broccoli stalks that get taken out quite frequently.
There are so many things you can do around your own home to make it better for the environment. Some of the changes will require the cooperation of your family to maximize the impact, but you can start alone. Some of the changes may seem inconvenient at first, or too much like chores, but they can add so much to your life if you see them for what they really are: ways of honoring God and great opportunities to spend more time with your family working toward a common goal. Many of the changes will seem less onerous if you compare your lifestyle with those of teens living in areas of our world most severely affected by poverty and environmental problems. The worst "inconvenience" you encounter in trying to live a more earth-friendly life might seem like the height of luxury for teens in countries like Honduras or Haiti, who have to wonder if they have safe drinking water or clean air to breathe. And I'm willing to bet that a lot of the simple changes you can make around your house will also save money--money that you'd probably prefer to be giving to a charity or ministry rather than an electric company.
**
Emma Sleeth was fifteen years old when she wrote "It's Easy Being Green". As a junior in high school, she felt called to write about the biblical mandate to protect the environment--especially her generation's responsibility. She is a leader of the evangelical movement to prevent climate change. She learned about and developed her passion for environmentalism from her father, a doctor who wrote Serve God, Save the Planet: a Christian Call to Action. Now seventeen, Emma has received a scholarship to attend Asbury College. She and her family live in Wilmore, Kentucky.
Learn more about and purchase the book, "It's Easy Being Green" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=393
*Save 30% off the retail price of "It's Easy Being Green" when you purchase it at the YS Store and use coupon code YPNOT2. This offer expires 10/22/08.
**
2. LINKS TO LEARN FROM
Teenreads.com offers reviews and info on the latest and most popular books for teens.http://www.teenreads.com/
Help teens stay safe as they begin drivinghttp://www.allstate.com/tools-and-resources/parent-action-plan.aspx
3. INSIDE YOUR TEEN'S WORLD...Random things you may not have heard about...
Dating aggression is surprisingly common affecting 1 in 5 girls ages 14-18.http://lifestyle.msn.com/your-life/bigger-picture/articlegh.aspx?cp-documentid=10825470
4. LEARN THEIR LINGO...Some slang and texting lingo for you to speak (or at least understand)
- Screepy = A word made by the accidental combination of creepy and scary. It can be used in place of either word. "That is one screepy lookin' guy."
- Iced Out = wearing a lot of jewelry "Check out all that bling-bling, you're iced out!"
5. A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT...AND HUMOR
"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry." ~ Bill Cosby
copyright 2008 :: Youth Specialties300 S. Pierce St. El Cajon, CA 92020 888.346.4179
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Dealing with Anger
CONTENTS
1. Tools for Parenting Teens
2. Links to Learn From
3. Inside Your Teen's World
4. Learn Their Lingo
5. A Little Encouragement...And Humor
===========our sponsor===========IT'S A DIRTY WORD...BUT SOMEBODY'S GOT TO DO IT!
In this practical book, youth ministry veteran Les Christie will help you take a positive approach to discipline when it becomes necessary. "When Church Kids Go Bad" will:
- Reveal the reasons behind problem behavior and show you how to take a positive approach to discipline
- Teach you how to use rules and consequences effectively
- Help you evaluate your strengths and weaknesses in discipline situations (and improve your areas of weakness)
- Give you dozens of specific, practical, helpful ideas you can use immediately with your students
Learn more about and purchase the book, "When Church Kids Go Bad" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=431
*Save 30% off the retail price of "When Church Kids Go Bad" when you purchase it at the YS Store and use coupon code YPNOT1. This offer expires 10/15/08.
================================
1. TOOLS FOR PARENTING TEENS
This week's excerpt is from the book "When Church Kids Go Bad," by Les Christie. In this excerpt you'll explore some ways to handle anger--or even better, how to keep frustration from growing into anger. We've edited it a little to be less ministry-specific, since we know that parents, too, have to deal with angry teens (and may become angry themselves sometimes!).
PREVENTING MOLEHILLS FROM BECOMING MOUNTAINS
There are times when you'll get angry with your teen. That's the nature of this ministry. But here are a few dos and don'ts to help you prevent molehills of frustration from growing into mountains of anger:
Don't...
- Use a sarcastic tone or put kids down.
- Quit.
- Get into a power struggle.
- Humiliate.
- Ignore bad behavior.
- Be surprised at bad behavior.
- Do anything drastic until you listen a lot, think a lot, and pray a lot.
- Allow discussions to turn into destructive arguments.
Do...
- Pause before taking "official action." Always count to 10. Better yet, try 110.
- Admit your anger.
- Ask the person to talk with you privately.
- Speak firmly.
- Make it clear you expect good behavior.
- Enlist other adults for advice, help, prayer, and support.
- Intervene immediately when violent behavior occurs.
- Notice good behavior and tell the person.
- Cool off briefly before you discuss the problem with the person.
- Be specific about the behavior you object to.
- Apologize if you're wrong.
- Allow the person to save face.
- Demonstrate forgiveness to the person who made you angry.
- Share a prayer of thankfulness when the conflict is over and the problem resolved.
- Ask the person what course of action they think you should follow. (The "misbehaver" often has a good idea that will take care of the situation.)
When Young People Get Angry
Of course, it's not just adults who get angry. As [parents] we're dealing with kids who sometimes struggle to handle their own emotions. It's important to recognize the kinds of things we may do that can anger the young people we [live] with.
In his book "How We Make Our Kids Angry"(2007), Roger Cross suggests some primary ways adults make teens angry:
- Pressuring teens to be something they are not. Pushing, cajoling, nagging, or "guilting" kids into a particular life direction or career path without considering their wishes or dreams.
- Loving teens for what they do instead of who they are. Raising kids in a performance-based environment.
- Favoring some teens over others. When kids sense disparity, they become hurt and angry.
- Treating teens with disrespect. Violating kids' self-esteem through insults and humiliation.
Children often store up a great deal of anger because they do not have adequate means of releasing feelings of frustration, confusion, and helplessness. Teenagers, however, have greater opportunity and ability to release these charged feelings. The combined force of pent-up anger from the past and current anger sometimes causes teenagers to overreact.
Adolescent anger is often closely associated with the need to rebel or push away from parents and other authority figures. Energy from the anger is used to strengthen the pushing-away process. Angry reactions may also express a young person's need to gain a greater sense of control over her life. Although these emotions can be uncomfortable and often scary to deal with, they can be normal and healthy when handled appropriately.
But when such anger is mishandled, it can turn into rage, hostility, or resentment. Rage is anger that is so intense that it is beyond a person's control. Hostility is anger that is felt for a longer period of time and involves the wish or impulse to inflict pain or harm to the object of the anger. Resentment develops when a hurt or transgression is not confronted and forgiven.
Don't try to win an argument with an extremely angry young person. You can't--she will only get angrier. The young person needs to get the anger out before you can reason with her. She needs to get it out in a way that will not cause any damage. Don't let her repress it, or it will simply go underground and build.
Be thankful when a young person trusts you enough to let you see his anger. Try to stay calm as he pours out all his anger. After the anger is out, he will be emotionally drained and more open to your input. Be sure to affirm him by telling him you are proud that he didn't take his anger out in more aggressive ways.
Now Ask Yourself
1. How do you handle anger in your own life? What are some ways you can improve your ability to deal with difficult situations?
2. Make a list of positive ways to dispel anger.
3. How would you handle an extremely angry teenager?
**
Les Christie has spent more than forty years in youth ministry, including more than twenty years in the same church. An energetic speaker, Les also chairs the youth ministry department at William Jessup University. He's the author of more than a dozen books and lives in California with his wife, Gretchen, where he no longer has to discipline his two grown sons, Brent and David.
Learn more about and purchase the book, "When Church Kids Go Bad" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=431
*Save 30% off the retail price of "When Church Kids Go Bad" when you purchase it at the YS Store and use coupon code YPNOT1. This offer expires 10/15/08.
**
2. LINKS TO LEARN FROM
Music Review: "Paper Planes" by M.I.A.http://www.planetwisdom.com/music/reviews/mia_paperplanes.php
Revolution Health: Parenting Teens & Preteenshttp://www.revolutionhealth.com/healthy-living/parenting/teens-preteens/index
3. INSIDE YOUR TEEN'S WORLD...Random things you may not have heard about...
Bum Rap: The latest and perhaps most disturbing evolution of clothing with suggestive phrases on the backside, and what schools are doing about ithttp://www.newsweek.com/id/157223
The Secret Lives of Your Kids Onlinehttp://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26747108/
4. LEARN THEIR LINGO...Some slang and texting lingo for you to speak (or at least understand)
- Tina = Slang for Crystal Meth. "I'm looking for Tina"
- Troop = n. a long walk or trip. "Taco Bell? That's a troop and a half."
5. A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT...AND HUMOR
"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex." ~ Jack Handey
copyright 2008 :: Youth Specialties300 S. Pierce St. El Cajon, CA 92020 888.346.4179
1. Tools for Parenting Teens
2. Links to Learn From
3. Inside Your Teen's World
4. Learn Their Lingo
5. A Little Encouragement...And Humor
===========our sponsor===========IT'S A DIRTY WORD...BUT SOMEBODY'S GOT TO DO IT!
In this practical book, youth ministry veteran Les Christie will help you take a positive approach to discipline when it becomes necessary. "When Church Kids Go Bad" will:
- Reveal the reasons behind problem behavior and show you how to take a positive approach to discipline
- Teach you how to use rules and consequences effectively
- Help you evaluate your strengths and weaknesses in discipline situations (and improve your areas of weakness)
- Give you dozens of specific, practical, helpful ideas you can use immediately with your students
Learn more about and purchase the book, "When Church Kids Go Bad" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=431
*Save 30% off the retail price of "When Church Kids Go Bad" when you purchase it at the YS Store and use coupon code YPNOT1. This offer expires 10/15/08.
================================
1. TOOLS FOR PARENTING TEENS
This week's excerpt is from the book "When Church Kids Go Bad," by Les Christie. In this excerpt you'll explore some ways to handle anger--or even better, how to keep frustration from growing into anger. We've edited it a little to be less ministry-specific, since we know that parents, too, have to deal with angry teens (and may become angry themselves sometimes!).
PREVENTING MOLEHILLS FROM BECOMING MOUNTAINS
There are times when you'll get angry with your teen. That's the nature of this ministry. But here are a few dos and don'ts to help you prevent molehills of frustration from growing into mountains of anger:
Don't...
- Use a sarcastic tone or put kids down.
- Quit.
- Get into a power struggle.
- Humiliate.
- Ignore bad behavior.
- Be surprised at bad behavior.
- Do anything drastic until you listen a lot, think a lot, and pray a lot.
- Allow discussions to turn into destructive arguments.
Do...
- Pause before taking "official action." Always count to 10. Better yet, try 110.
- Admit your anger.
- Ask the person to talk with you privately.
- Speak firmly.
- Make it clear you expect good behavior.
- Enlist other adults for advice, help, prayer, and support.
- Intervene immediately when violent behavior occurs.
- Notice good behavior and tell the person.
- Cool off briefly before you discuss the problem with the person.
- Be specific about the behavior you object to.
- Apologize if you're wrong.
- Allow the person to save face.
- Demonstrate forgiveness to the person who made you angry.
- Share a prayer of thankfulness when the conflict is over and the problem resolved.
- Ask the person what course of action they think you should follow. (The "misbehaver" often has a good idea that will take care of the situation.)
When Young People Get Angry
Of course, it's not just adults who get angry. As [parents] we're dealing with kids who sometimes struggle to handle their own emotions. It's important to recognize the kinds of things we may do that can anger the young people we [live] with.
In his book "How We Make Our Kids Angry"(2007), Roger Cross suggests some primary ways adults make teens angry:
- Pressuring teens to be something they are not. Pushing, cajoling, nagging, or "guilting" kids into a particular life direction or career path without considering their wishes or dreams.
- Loving teens for what they do instead of who they are. Raising kids in a performance-based environment.
- Favoring some teens over others. When kids sense disparity, they become hurt and angry.
- Treating teens with disrespect. Violating kids' self-esteem through insults and humiliation.
Children often store up a great deal of anger because they do not have adequate means of releasing feelings of frustration, confusion, and helplessness. Teenagers, however, have greater opportunity and ability to release these charged feelings. The combined force of pent-up anger from the past and current anger sometimes causes teenagers to overreact.
Adolescent anger is often closely associated with the need to rebel or push away from parents and other authority figures. Energy from the anger is used to strengthen the pushing-away process. Angry reactions may also express a young person's need to gain a greater sense of control over her life. Although these emotions can be uncomfortable and often scary to deal with, they can be normal and healthy when handled appropriately.
But when such anger is mishandled, it can turn into rage, hostility, or resentment. Rage is anger that is so intense that it is beyond a person's control. Hostility is anger that is felt for a longer period of time and involves the wish or impulse to inflict pain or harm to the object of the anger. Resentment develops when a hurt or transgression is not confronted and forgiven.
Don't try to win an argument with an extremely angry young person. You can't--she will only get angrier. The young person needs to get the anger out before you can reason with her. She needs to get it out in a way that will not cause any damage. Don't let her repress it, or it will simply go underground and build.
Be thankful when a young person trusts you enough to let you see his anger. Try to stay calm as he pours out all his anger. After the anger is out, he will be emotionally drained and more open to your input. Be sure to affirm him by telling him you are proud that he didn't take his anger out in more aggressive ways.
Now Ask Yourself
1. How do you handle anger in your own life? What are some ways you can improve your ability to deal with difficult situations?
2. Make a list of positive ways to dispel anger.
3. How would you handle an extremely angry teenager?
**
Les Christie has spent more than forty years in youth ministry, including more than twenty years in the same church. An energetic speaker, Les also chairs the youth ministry department at William Jessup University. He's the author of more than a dozen books and lives in California with his wife, Gretchen, where he no longer has to discipline his two grown sons, Brent and David.
Learn more about and purchase the book, "When Church Kids Go Bad" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=431
*Save 30% off the retail price of "When Church Kids Go Bad" when you purchase it at the YS Store and use coupon code YPNOT1. This offer expires 10/15/08.
**
2. LINKS TO LEARN FROM
Music Review: "Paper Planes" by M.I.A.http://www.planetwisdom.com/music/reviews/mia_paperplanes.php
Revolution Health: Parenting Teens & Preteenshttp://www.revolutionhealth.com/healthy-living/parenting/teens-preteens/index
3. INSIDE YOUR TEEN'S WORLD...Random things you may not have heard about...
Bum Rap: The latest and perhaps most disturbing evolution of clothing with suggestive phrases on the backside, and what schools are doing about ithttp://www.newsweek.com/id/157223
The Secret Lives of Your Kids Onlinehttp://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26747108/
4. LEARN THEIR LINGO...Some slang and texting lingo for you to speak (or at least understand)
- Tina = Slang for Crystal Meth. "I'm looking for Tina"
- Troop = n. a long walk or trip. "Taco Bell? That's a troop and a half."
5. A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT...AND HUMOR
"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex." ~ Jack Handey
copyright 2008 :: Youth Specialties300 S. Pierce St. El Cajon, CA 92020 888.346.4179
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