1. TOOLS FOR PARENTING TEENS
For our last newsletter in 2008, Jim Hancock shares how to open up dialogue with your teen by simply asking what, why, and how.
THE THREE BEST QUESTIONS
The three best questions I know are explorations of what, why, and how:
- Talk about what you think is important.
- Talk about why you think it's important.
- Talk about how you think that changes things.
I like these questions because they're honest. They're not meant to persuade or challenge or compel; they're meant to clarify.
Asking what, why, and how questions is an offer to pay attention to another person's perceptions, thoughts, ideas, hopes, and intentions. If you can get honest answers to these three questions, you'll know where things stand with the other person and you'll have an idea of what to do next.
Begin with any human experience--a movie, a sermon, a song, an argument, a book, an accident, an aha!, a success, a failure, a passage from the Bible, a discovery...anything at all. Then ask, "Tell me what you think that was. What just happened?"
Don't get hung up on the wording; there's more than one way to ask what.
What? = What do you think happened? = What stood out for you? = Did anything surprise you? = Describe it to me. = Tell me about it...
Whatever words you use, what questions invite a person to describe her own perceptions of an experience. It really doesn't matter what experience; what matters is hearing her describe it (so you don't just assume, or guess, or wish). The same is true for why questions.
Why? = So what? = Why is that significant to you? = Why do you think it happened? = Tell me more about that...
However you ask, the why question explores why, out of all possible meanings, did this one occur to you? The answer can tell you something you couldn't know if you didn't pose the question.
Asking why can be the catalyst for deeper reflection by the person on the receiving end of the question:
- Asking, "Why do you think you identified more closely with that character than the others?" invites reflection about empathy and compassion.
- Asking, "Why do you think you misunderstood that?" invites a person to consider why he heard something that wasn't said.
- Saying, "Talk about why you find that comforting" calls for self-assessment and invites self-disclosure.
And so it goes... These are all valuable considerations people--especially adolescent people--are not often encouraged to share in an emotionally safe context.
How is the money question because it clarifies what a person actually learned?
How? = Now what? = How do you plan to respond? = How will that make a difference? = How does that change things? = Tell me what you intend to do about that.
Kids who can answer how questions--especially if they follow through on their intentions to behave differently, to repeat a success, or to avoid a failure--have really learned something from their experience.
Simplicity is part of the beauty of this process. Once you learn to ask these questions naturally and unselfconsciously, you can help kids understand what you're doing and why. For the last couple of decades, I've urged kids to ask these three types of questions at the end of every reading assignment and class session--promising they'll raise their grade by half a point minimum. I have yet to hear from any dissatisfied customers.
Here's why I think this works: I think these three questions swing the spotlight around to where it belongs--so we can see the learner. We already have a pretty good idea what the teacher knows; it's right there in the presentation (whatever that may be). Transferring wisdom isn't merely a matter of making statements--what passes for teaching most of the time. Transferring wisdom depends on engaging students where they are and helping them take the next step toward where they need to go.
I've come to believe that people learn what they can learn--what they're prepared to learn--not what they're supposed to learn. Good teachers don't pour knowledge into people; good teachers create intriguing environments where learners find what they need to modify or build on what they've learned so far. As a teacher the best tool I have for that task is engaging kids in new experiences (of whatever sort) and then asking what, why, and how.
**
Jim Hancock invested two decades as a church-based youth worker. Now he spends his days in Leucadia, California, writing and creating digital movies and learning designs like "Raising Adults," "The Justice Mission," and the "Good Sex" curriculum for youth workers, parents, and adolescents.
Learn more and purchase "How to Volunteer Like a Pro" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=1845
*Save 30% off the retail price of "How to Volunteer Like a Pro" when you purchase it at the YS Store and use coupon code YPNDC3. This offer expires 12/31/08.
**
2. LINKS TO LEARN FROM
Late to Launch: The Come-Home Kids [Palo Alto Online]http://www.paloaltoonline.com/news/show_story.php?id=10383
Teen Smoking Rates Decline [NY Times] http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/16/health/research/16smoking.html?_r=1&ref=health
U. Device Disables Cell Phones to Prevent Use While Behind the Wheel [Salt Lake Tribune]http://www.sltrib.com/news/ci_11198256
3. INSIDE YOUR TEEN'S WORLD...Random things you may not have heard about...
Flirting Goes High-tech with Racy Photos Shared on Cellphones [USA Today]http://www.usatoday.com/tech/news/internetprivacy/2008-12-09-high-tech-flirting_N.htm
Falling Asleep in Class? Blame Biology [CNN] http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/12/12/sleep.teenagers.school/
4. LEARN THEIR LINGO...Some slang and texting lingo for you to speak (or at least understand)
- Mad skills = An incredible ability to jump high.
- No diggity = No doubt.
5. A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT...AND HUMOR
"The best way to keep children at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of the tires."~ Dorothy Parker
copyright 2008 :: Youth Specialties300 S. Pierce St. El Cajon, CA 92020 888.346.4179
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Keeping your kids safe on the internet
CONTENTS
1. Tools for Parenting Teens
2. Links to Learn From
3. Inside Your Teen's World
4. Learn Their Lingo
5. A Little Encouragement...And Humor
===========our sponsor===========WISDOM ON...MUSIC, MOVIES & TELEVISION
We all love a good song, movie, or TV show. But not everything out there is good for us. This book won't tell students what they should not listen to or watch. Instead, this book is filled with principles to help them gain the wisdom needed to help them make wise choices about what they choose to be entertained by.
Learn more and purchase "Wisdom On...Music, Movies & Television" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=410
*Save 30% off the retail price of "Wisdom On...Music, Movies & Television" when you purchase it at the YS Store and use coupon code YPNDC2. This offer expires 12/24/08.
================================
1. TOOLS FOR PARENTING TEENS
This week's newsletter features an article on Internet predators from Mark Matlock, founder of WisdomWorks Ministries. With popular media focusing on the topic through shows such as Dateline: To Catch a Predator, Matlock researched the latest information about online safety for kids. His findings just may surprise you. Editor's Note: We believed it is best for you to have this information in its entirety, rather than break it up into a short series of articles. As a result, this week's article is longer than normal. We hope you'll find the information helpful.
IS THE INTERNET FULL OF CHILD PREDATORS?
Recently on my PlanetWisdom blog (http://www.planetwisdom.com/marksblog/) I replied to a youth pastor's question about some Internet snooping software and my opinions about technologies that allow parents to spy on their kids.
I was rather shocked by the responses I received from angry parents questioning my judgment (mainly via email) and realized that either I was completely off-base in my response, or many parents are buying into a story about online safety without doing their homework.
So I did my homework and what I found was pretty interesting.
There is a small number of researchers who have been assessing the severity of online crime against children and adolescence. While any crime against a child is very serious, most researchers seem to agree that there is irrational fear over the dangers on the Internet. One study conducted with a grant from the Justice Department (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Justice_department) has actually gone through two cycles of research to measure the changes from the year 2000 to 2005. Most of the research I will share with you was released between 2006 and 2008 and is the most current information I could obtain.
1. The media's portrayal of online predators is not consistent with what is actually happening.
The idea that sexual molesters are using the Internet to deceptively prey on youth is what most stereotypically comes to mind when we imagine an "online predator". While these incidents are indeed serious, they are not as frightening as the public has come to believe. While there are incidents of adults soliciting teens on the Internet, most were not done in the predatory manner the public has come to believe. Most online sexual solicitations happen to teenagers and originate from other teens and 20 somethings. Of those interactions where an adult was involved, the adult did not hide their age or use deception. Most were up front about their interest in some form of sexual engagement. Most teens involved in this behavior were participating in specific "at risk behaviors" and met other criteria (read the following report in footnote for more). The average teen not engaging in these behaviors were rarely engaged. The report also mentions that posting personal information is not in itself an at risk behavior. (1)
The research goes as far to indicate that talking generally to strangers online is not what puts kids at risk because teens who find themselves in these situations are looking for these kinds of encounters. In fact of those teens who had received an unwanted sexual solicitation 75% said they did not find it distressing and were not psychologically harmed. (2)
Dr. Finkelhor (http://www.unh.edu/frl/finkelhor/) who is a primary researcher in this field and an expert in matters of children and sexual abuse had this to say. "It turns out that the young people who are vulnerable to these kinds of crimes, they're going online looking for things they're not getting in their families and in their life. There needs to be information about this that's available on the Web and the places where these young people hang out. It is important for parents to have conversations about Internet safety, but those conversations should probably be less about giving out personal information and more about what to do if somebody starts to talk with them about sex, and how to deal with inclination to post sexy pictures of yourself or information about yourself that suggests an interest in a sexual relationship." (3)
2. From 1992 – 2008 there has been a 53% drop in sexual offenses against children. (4)
This goes far beyond the public perception of increased vulnerability and abuse of children. When you consider that the Internet grew during that twelve year span, it would appear that the Internet is not increasing the amount of abuse that is going on in our world. In fact, offline abuse still significantly outnumbers that which occurs online. When one considers that the vast majority of sex crimes against children and teens are committed by someone they know, probably going to church is more dangerous than interacting with someone online. (In fact, 44% of Internet sexual offenders were family members, and 56% were known to the victim offline (friends, neighbors, teachers, youth workers etc). The number of online incidents with a complete stranger are so rare they are statistically non-existent). (5)
3. What is clear is that children and teens are more likely to encounter "unwanted" sexual content when involved in the Internet.
There is some debate among the research as to how much of a threat this is compared to traditional forms of finding sexual material offline (i.e a fathers porn stash, or something shared by a friend). What is of note is that there has been a dramatic decline in "unwanted" exposure from 2000 to 2005 as laws and industry self-policing have are working to keep sexual material from reaching the eyes of minors. In fact the majority of incidents involved adolescents and the incidents of pre-pubescent solicitation of adult material was almost non-existent. But there is still a significant increased risk of a minor encountering unwanted sexual content on the Internet. (6)
WHAT CAN WE LEARN FROM ALL OF THIS?
1. We need to be careful about what we believe.
As parents how we perceive the world around us greatly impacts how we parent. Much of the harm we do as parents is motivated by a desire to do the right thing, we just do it in the wrong way. My upcoming book and seminar titled "Real World Parents" (http://realworldparents.com) address this need to have an accurate understanding of culture as we seek to biblically guide our children toward spiritual maturity. Christians live in a marketplace that utilizes fear to sell books, fill conferences, and raise money. We need to be wary about any "data" we are given even by our trusted Christian leaders (read: "Evangelicals Behaving Badly with Statistics" by Christian Smith in Christianity Today. http://www.christianitytoday.com/bc/2007/001/5.11.html).
2. We need to realize that stranger danger is not the best safety message.
Most crimes against children occur by a family member or someone the child knows. Consider that out of the nearly 800,000 missing children reported last year only 115 were the victims of a complete stranger or someone the child only "slightly" knew! (7) Researchers claim the key to teaching our children about safety is helping them identify behavior that is unusual or improper from peers and adults be they strange OR familiar. Children also need to know what to do when they are experience these behaviors from others. Most strangers would definitely help a child in need, we don't want to scare them from this valuable source of help!
Bottom line: the best safety measure is being involved in the lives of your kids without violating their need to mature and become self reliant.
3. We don't want to live in fear, but the Internet does have a dark side so we need to be wise.
While I have been making a case that the Internet may not be the safety concern many might believe, this doesn't mean we shouldn't be careful as parents. Keep the computer in a public place, do not allow your kids to have passwords unknown to you, talk with your kids about their online interactions like you would other interactions they have throughout the day.
But please realize that 85% of school aged kids have access to the Internet outside the home and filters and monitoring software are easily worked around. Think of tools like these as very light protections that do not replace solid training. When my kids were little I didn't let them play with bottles of poison, but I didn't trust a child safety cap either. I taught them the dangers of these products so even if they came in contact with them, they would know what to do.
What is more, if your children are involved in questionable online behavior, your family (not just the child in question) probably need to seek professional counseling. The studies show that most teens who engage in dangerous Internet behaviors are doing so as a result of problems and unmet needs at home. This is not a time to be proud. Get the help you need.
4. Be aware that research is showing that online interactions are actually good for your kids.
You may not get it as a parent, but the evidence is giving online activity a thumbs up. It won't be long and your kids will be armed with this data too! Celebrate the positives of the Internet.
Researchers, including participants from University of California-Berkeley and University of Southern California, conducted interviews, studied diaries, convened focus groups and collected nearly 10,500 profiles on sites such as Facebook and Neopets. The $3.3 million study, funded by the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation, found that youths use online networks to extend friendships, acquire technical skills, learn from each other, explore interests and develop expertise. This all takes "ongoing maintenance and negotiation."
In what researchers call "hypersocial" behavior, media at the fingertips enable teens to always be connected. And instant messaging, text messages and Facebook have changed dating as well: Couples "telecocoon," creating a full-time intimate community even while physically apart.
As for mere socializing, "It is not a waste of time for teens to hang out on-line," said Mizuko Ito, a professor at the University of California-Irvine and lead researcher for the study "Living and Learning with New Media." Kids on-line, the study said, are learning to be "competent citizens in the digital age." (8)
FOOTNOTES AND SOURCES
1. Online "Predators" And Their Victims, Myths, Realities, and Implications for Prevention and Treatment 2008 by the American Psychological Association 0003-066X/08/$12.00 Vol. 63, No. 2, 111–128 DOI: 10.1037/0003-066X.63.2.111
2. David Finkelhor, Kimberly J. Mitchell, and Janis Wolak. Online Victimization of Youth: Five Years Later. Alexandria, Virginia: National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, 2006
3. National Public Radio (NPR) February 20, 2008 Wednesday Day to Day 4:00 PM EST "The Online Predator Myth"
4. David Finkelhor and Lisa Jones (2008) Updated Trends in Child Maltreatment http://www.unh.edu/ccrc/Trends/index.html
5. David Finkelhor, Kimberly J. Mitchell, and Janis Wolak. Online Victimization of Youth: Five Years Later. Alexandria, Virginia: National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, 2006
6. Andrea J. Sedlak, David Finkelhor, Heather Hammer, and Dana J. Schultz. U.S. Department of Justice. "National Estimates of Missing Children: An Overview" in National Incidence Studies of Missing, Abducted, Runaway, and Thrownaway Children. Washington, DC: Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention, Office of Justice Programs, U.S. Department of Justice, October 2002, page 5.
7. Kimberly J. Mitchell, Janis Wolak, & David Finkelhor. (2007). Trends in Youth Reports of Sexual Solicitations, Harassment and Unwanted Exposure to Pornography on the Internet. Journal of Adolescent Health, 40(2), 116-126.
8. San Jose Mercury News (California) November 20, 2008 Thursday "Chill out, parents: Time online teaches kids important skills, study finds", Sharon Noguchi Mercury News
**
Mark Matlock has been working with youth pastors and students for more than fifteen years. He speaks to hundreds of thousands of students around the world each year, and presents biblical truths in ways that motivate people to change. Mark's the founder of WisdomWorks Ministries, and writes for several magazines. He's the author of several books, including "What Does God Want From Me?," "Living a Life That Matters," "Don't Buy the Lie," and "Freshman." Mark lives in Texas with his wife, Jade, and their children, Dax and Skye.
**
2. LINKS TO LEARN FROM
Most Likely To Succeed [New Yorker]
http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/12/15/081215fa_fact_gladwell?currentPage=all
Moody or Mentally Ill? Signs of Mental Illness in the Teen Years [Newsweek]http://www.newsweek.com/id/172031
Online Safety Tips for Tweens and Teens [OnGuardOnline.gov]http://www.onguardonline.gov/topics/safety-tips-tweens-teens.aspx
3. INSIDE YOUR TEEN'S WORLD...Random things you may not have heard about...
Students research wind energy for senior project [Steamboat Pilot]http://www.steamboatpilot.com/news/2008/dec/07/teen_style_students_research_wind_energy_senior_pr/
Your kids weren't lying about jobs being bad for them... [Sydney Morning Herald]http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/child-employees-put-at-risk/2008/12/06/1228257383099.html
4. LEARN THEIR LINGO...Some slang and texting lingo for you to speak (or at least understand)
- Sexting = text messaging someone in the hopes of having a sexual encounter with them later
- Sexual encounter = that thing you and your spouse had before kids
5. A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT...AND HUMOR
"If you raise your children to feel that they can accomplish any goal or task they decide upon, you will have succeeded as a parent and you will have given your children the greatest of all blessings."~ Brian Tracy
copyright 2008 :: Youth Specialties300 S. Pierce St. El Cajon, CA 92020 888.346.4179
1. Tools for Parenting Teens
2. Links to Learn From
3. Inside Your Teen's World
4. Learn Their Lingo
5. A Little Encouragement...And Humor
===========our sponsor===========WISDOM ON...MUSIC, MOVIES & TELEVISION
We all love a good song, movie, or TV show. But not everything out there is good for us. This book won't tell students what they should not listen to or watch. Instead, this book is filled with principles to help them gain the wisdom needed to help them make wise choices about what they choose to be entertained by.
Learn more and purchase "Wisdom On...Music, Movies & Television" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=410
*Save 30% off the retail price of "Wisdom On...Music, Movies & Television" when you purchase it at the YS Store and use coupon code YPNDC2. This offer expires 12/24/08.
================================
1. TOOLS FOR PARENTING TEENS
This week's newsletter features an article on Internet predators from Mark Matlock, founder of WisdomWorks Ministries. With popular media focusing on the topic through shows such as Dateline: To Catch a Predator, Matlock researched the latest information about online safety for kids. His findings just may surprise you. Editor's Note: We believed it is best for you to have this information in its entirety, rather than break it up into a short series of articles. As a result, this week's article is longer than normal. We hope you'll find the information helpful.
IS THE INTERNET FULL OF CHILD PREDATORS?
Recently on my PlanetWisdom blog (http://www.planetwisdom.com/marksblog/) I replied to a youth pastor's question about some Internet snooping software and my opinions about technologies that allow parents to spy on their kids.
I was rather shocked by the responses I received from angry parents questioning my judgment (mainly via email) and realized that either I was completely off-base in my response, or many parents are buying into a story about online safety without doing their homework.
So I did my homework and what I found was pretty interesting.
There is a small number of researchers who have been assessing the severity of online crime against children and adolescence. While any crime against a child is very serious, most researchers seem to agree that there is irrational fear over the dangers on the Internet. One study conducted with a grant from the Justice Department (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Justice_department) has actually gone through two cycles of research to measure the changes from the year 2000 to 2005. Most of the research I will share with you was released between 2006 and 2008 and is the most current information I could obtain.
1. The media's portrayal of online predators is not consistent with what is actually happening.
The idea that sexual molesters are using the Internet to deceptively prey on youth is what most stereotypically comes to mind when we imagine an "online predator". While these incidents are indeed serious, they are not as frightening as the public has come to believe. While there are incidents of adults soliciting teens on the Internet, most were not done in the predatory manner the public has come to believe. Most online sexual solicitations happen to teenagers and originate from other teens and 20 somethings. Of those interactions where an adult was involved, the adult did not hide their age or use deception. Most were up front about their interest in some form of sexual engagement. Most teens involved in this behavior were participating in specific "at risk behaviors" and met other criteria (read the following report in footnote for more). The average teen not engaging in these behaviors were rarely engaged. The report also mentions that posting personal information is not in itself an at risk behavior. (1)
The research goes as far to indicate that talking generally to strangers online is not what puts kids at risk because teens who find themselves in these situations are looking for these kinds of encounters. In fact of those teens who had received an unwanted sexual solicitation 75% said they did not find it distressing and were not psychologically harmed. (2)
Dr. Finkelhor (http://www.unh.edu/frl/finkelhor/) who is a primary researcher in this field and an expert in matters of children and sexual abuse had this to say. "It turns out that the young people who are vulnerable to these kinds of crimes, they're going online looking for things they're not getting in their families and in their life. There needs to be information about this that's available on the Web and the places where these young people hang out. It is important for parents to have conversations about Internet safety, but those conversations should probably be less about giving out personal information and more about what to do if somebody starts to talk with them about sex, and how to deal with inclination to post sexy pictures of yourself or information about yourself that suggests an interest in a sexual relationship." (3)
2. From 1992 – 2008 there has been a 53% drop in sexual offenses against children. (4)
This goes far beyond the public perception of increased vulnerability and abuse of children. When you consider that the Internet grew during that twelve year span, it would appear that the Internet is not increasing the amount of abuse that is going on in our world. In fact, offline abuse still significantly outnumbers that which occurs online. When one considers that the vast majority of sex crimes against children and teens are committed by someone they know, probably going to church is more dangerous than interacting with someone online. (In fact, 44% of Internet sexual offenders were family members, and 56% were known to the victim offline (friends, neighbors, teachers, youth workers etc). The number of online incidents with a complete stranger are so rare they are statistically non-existent). (5)
3. What is clear is that children and teens are more likely to encounter "unwanted" sexual content when involved in the Internet.
There is some debate among the research as to how much of a threat this is compared to traditional forms of finding sexual material offline (i.e a fathers porn stash, or something shared by a friend). What is of note is that there has been a dramatic decline in "unwanted" exposure from 2000 to 2005 as laws and industry self-policing have are working to keep sexual material from reaching the eyes of minors. In fact the majority of incidents involved adolescents and the incidents of pre-pubescent solicitation of adult material was almost non-existent. But there is still a significant increased risk of a minor encountering unwanted sexual content on the Internet. (6)
WHAT CAN WE LEARN FROM ALL OF THIS?
1. We need to be careful about what we believe.
As parents how we perceive the world around us greatly impacts how we parent. Much of the harm we do as parents is motivated by a desire to do the right thing, we just do it in the wrong way. My upcoming book and seminar titled "Real World Parents" (http://realworldparents.com) address this need to have an accurate understanding of culture as we seek to biblically guide our children toward spiritual maturity. Christians live in a marketplace that utilizes fear to sell books, fill conferences, and raise money. We need to be wary about any "data" we are given even by our trusted Christian leaders (read: "Evangelicals Behaving Badly with Statistics" by Christian Smith in Christianity Today. http://www.christianitytoday.com/bc/2007/001/5.11.html).
2. We need to realize that stranger danger is not the best safety message.
Most crimes against children occur by a family member or someone the child knows. Consider that out of the nearly 800,000 missing children reported last year only 115 were the victims of a complete stranger or someone the child only "slightly" knew! (7) Researchers claim the key to teaching our children about safety is helping them identify behavior that is unusual or improper from peers and adults be they strange OR familiar. Children also need to know what to do when they are experience these behaviors from others. Most strangers would definitely help a child in need, we don't want to scare them from this valuable source of help!
Bottom line: the best safety measure is being involved in the lives of your kids without violating their need to mature and become self reliant.
3. We don't want to live in fear, but the Internet does have a dark side so we need to be wise.
While I have been making a case that the Internet may not be the safety concern many might believe, this doesn't mean we shouldn't be careful as parents. Keep the computer in a public place, do not allow your kids to have passwords unknown to you, talk with your kids about their online interactions like you would other interactions they have throughout the day.
But please realize that 85% of school aged kids have access to the Internet outside the home and filters and monitoring software are easily worked around. Think of tools like these as very light protections that do not replace solid training. When my kids were little I didn't let them play with bottles of poison, but I didn't trust a child safety cap either. I taught them the dangers of these products so even if they came in contact with them, they would know what to do.
What is more, if your children are involved in questionable online behavior, your family (not just the child in question) probably need to seek professional counseling. The studies show that most teens who engage in dangerous Internet behaviors are doing so as a result of problems and unmet needs at home. This is not a time to be proud. Get the help you need.
4. Be aware that research is showing that online interactions are actually good for your kids.
You may not get it as a parent, but the evidence is giving online activity a thumbs up. It won't be long and your kids will be armed with this data too! Celebrate the positives of the Internet.
Researchers, including participants from University of California-Berkeley and University of Southern California, conducted interviews, studied diaries, convened focus groups and collected nearly 10,500 profiles on sites such as Facebook and Neopets. The $3.3 million study, funded by the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation, found that youths use online networks to extend friendships, acquire technical skills, learn from each other, explore interests and develop expertise. This all takes "ongoing maintenance and negotiation."
In what researchers call "hypersocial" behavior, media at the fingertips enable teens to always be connected. And instant messaging, text messages and Facebook have changed dating as well: Couples "telecocoon," creating a full-time intimate community even while physically apart.
As for mere socializing, "It is not a waste of time for teens to hang out on-line," said Mizuko Ito, a professor at the University of California-Irvine and lead researcher for the study "Living and Learning with New Media." Kids on-line, the study said, are learning to be "competent citizens in the digital age." (8)
FOOTNOTES AND SOURCES
1. Online "Predators" And Their Victims, Myths, Realities, and Implications for Prevention and Treatment 2008 by the American Psychological Association 0003-066X/08/$12.00 Vol. 63, No. 2, 111–128 DOI: 10.1037/0003-066X.63.2.111
2. David Finkelhor, Kimberly J. Mitchell, and Janis Wolak. Online Victimization of Youth: Five Years Later. Alexandria, Virginia: National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, 2006
3. National Public Radio (NPR) February 20, 2008 Wednesday Day to Day 4:00 PM EST "The Online Predator Myth"
4. David Finkelhor and Lisa Jones (2008) Updated Trends in Child Maltreatment http://www.unh.edu/ccrc/Trends/index.html
5. David Finkelhor, Kimberly J. Mitchell, and Janis Wolak. Online Victimization of Youth: Five Years Later. Alexandria, Virginia: National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, 2006
6. Andrea J. Sedlak, David Finkelhor, Heather Hammer, and Dana J. Schultz. U.S. Department of Justice. "National Estimates of Missing Children: An Overview" in National Incidence Studies of Missing, Abducted, Runaway, and Thrownaway Children. Washington, DC: Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention, Office of Justice Programs, U.S. Department of Justice, October 2002, page 5.
7. Kimberly J. Mitchell, Janis Wolak, & David Finkelhor. (2007). Trends in Youth Reports of Sexual Solicitations, Harassment and Unwanted Exposure to Pornography on the Internet. Journal of Adolescent Health, 40(2), 116-126.
8. San Jose Mercury News (California) November 20, 2008 Thursday "Chill out, parents: Time online teaches kids important skills, study finds", Sharon Noguchi Mercury News
**
Mark Matlock has been working with youth pastors and students for more than fifteen years. He speaks to hundreds of thousands of students around the world each year, and presents biblical truths in ways that motivate people to change. Mark's the founder of WisdomWorks Ministries, and writes for several magazines. He's the author of several books, including "What Does God Want From Me?," "Living a Life That Matters," "Don't Buy the Lie," and "Freshman." Mark lives in Texas with his wife, Jade, and their children, Dax and Skye.
**
2. LINKS TO LEARN FROM
Most Likely To Succeed [New Yorker]
http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/12/15/081215fa_fact_gladwell?currentPage=all
Moody or Mentally Ill? Signs of Mental Illness in the Teen Years [Newsweek]http://www.newsweek.com/id/172031
Online Safety Tips for Tweens and Teens [OnGuardOnline.gov]http://www.onguardonline.gov/topics/safety-tips-tweens-teens.aspx
3. INSIDE YOUR TEEN'S WORLD...Random things you may not have heard about...
Students research wind energy for senior project [Steamboat Pilot]http://www.steamboatpilot.com/news/2008/dec/07/teen_style_students_research_wind_energy_senior_pr/
Your kids weren't lying about jobs being bad for them... [Sydney Morning Herald]http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/child-employees-put-at-risk/2008/12/06/1228257383099.html
4. LEARN THEIR LINGO...Some slang and texting lingo for you to speak (or at least understand)
- Sexting = text messaging someone in the hopes of having a sexual encounter with them later
- Sexual encounter = that thing you and your spouse had before kids
5. A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT...AND HUMOR
"If you raise your children to feel that they can accomplish any goal or task they decide upon, you will have succeeded as a parent and you will have given your children the greatest of all blessings."~ Brian Tracy
copyright 2008 :: Youth Specialties300 S. Pierce St. El Cajon, CA 92020 888.346.4179
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Learning the Skills of Friendship
CONTENTS
1. Tools for Parenting Teens
2. Links to Learn From
3. Inside Your Teen's World
4. Learn Their Lingo
5. A Little Encouragement...And Humor
===========our sponsor===========MY FAMILY
As your child moves towards becoming an adult, you have to work together to make it smooth transition. In "My Family," your child will get all kinds of secrets and tips that will help them be a better son or daughter, brother or sister, and show them how they can help to make your family even better.
Learn more about or purchase "My Family" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=230
*Save 30% off the retail price of "My Family" when you purchase it at the YS Store and use coupon code YPNDC1. This offer expires 12/17/08.
================================
1. TOOLS FOR PARENTING TEENS
QUESTION: Our 6th grade son seems to have no real friendships. And I'm not even sure he wants them. Is this normal? Are there things my husband and I should be doing?
First, it's important to know that this is a very normal situation for a pre-teen or young teen boy. In fact, it has become substantially more common over the past decade. So, your son isn't "abnormal" on this one.
But, that doesn't mean it's a healthy situation. As a youth worker, it's been one of greatest new concerns I've had for my students in the last ten years. Boys, particularly (girls also, but to a lesser degree), are not learning the skills of friendship. Historically, I don't think we thought of children and teenagers as needing these skills – friendship just came naturally to them! But today's 10 – 14 year old is so often isolated, they've not learned the skills of friendship in their day-to-day lives.
Boys are naturally less expressive than girls (especially at this age). And our culture has told them "the strong, silent type" is a great male archetype. Even the U.S. Army, which, ironically has learned – out in the field – that soldiers can only succeed in teams, has been advertising this notion like crazy for a few years with their "Be an Army of one" campaign.
Add to these cultural notions the fact that today's pre- and young-teens have reaped most parents' desire to "cocoon", by having a house-full (or more likely these days, a bedroom-full) of toys intended for solo use: television, video-gaming systems, CD-players. Not that these things are all bad. But the fairly normal overuse of them has greatly contributed to this "loner" trend.
So, what can you do? Here are a few ideas:
- Encourage friendship groups. Often, the safest place for a boy to learn about friendship is in a group, not in a one-on-one friendship. Hopefully, one of the best places for this is in a healthy and active pre-teen or middle school program at your church. I know many parents who have chosen their church based on this factor alone!
- Service potential friendships. When you see any spark of potential friendship for your son, find ways to subtly encourage that spark. This doesn't mean talking about it like crazy! (that will only lead to retreat for most boys.) Instead, offer to drive them somewhere; suggest fun ideas for excursions and make them possible. Also, make sure you home is a "safe" place for your son to have a friend over: a place where he won't be embarrassed or treated like a little kid in front of his friends.
- Encourage your son, but don't nag. When your son spends time with a friend (or potential friend), say something positive – but keep it short and sweet. Lengthy speeches will feel like pressure or nagging, and will backfire on you.
- Pray like crazy!
**
Mark Oestreicher is the president of Youth Specialties (www.YouthSpecialties.com), the leading provider of resources and training for Christian youth workers. Marko speaks to parents, teens and youth workers around the world, and writes books (mostly for youth ministry and young teens). He lives in San Diego with his wife, Jeannie, and his two kids, Liesl and Max.
Learn more about or purchase "My Family" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=230
*Save 30% off the retail price of "My Family" when you purchase it at the YS Store and use coupon code YPNDC1. This offer expires 12/17/08.
**
2. LINKS TO LEARN FROM
Are Kids Copying Their Parents When They Lie?http://nymag.com/news/features/43893/
3. INSIDE YOUR TEEN'S WORLD...Random things you may not have heard about...
A site dedicated to connecting millennials to non-profits and activismhttp://millennials.change.org/
News for tweens, by tweenshttp://tweentribune.com/
Buy and sell handmade itemshttp://www.etsy.com/
4. LEARN THEIR LINGO...Some slang and texting lingo for you to speak (or at least understand)
- All days = 24 inch rims for a car. "Did you see Jr. on them new 'all-days' he got?"
- Ball up = An exclamation stating the beginning of a basketball game. A statement clarifying that it is time to start or resume playing basketball now that everyone is ready.
5. A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT...AND HUMOR
"Seven days without laughter makes one weak."~ Mort Walker
copyright 2008 :: Youth Specialties300 S. Pierce St. El Cajon, CA 92020 888.346.4179
1. Tools for Parenting Teens
2. Links to Learn From
3. Inside Your Teen's World
4. Learn Their Lingo
5. A Little Encouragement...And Humor
===========our sponsor===========MY FAMILY
As your child moves towards becoming an adult, you have to work together to make it smooth transition. In "My Family," your child will get all kinds of secrets and tips that will help them be a better son or daughter, brother or sister, and show them how they can help to make your family even better.
Learn more about or purchase "My Family" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=230
*Save 30% off the retail price of "My Family" when you purchase it at the YS Store and use coupon code YPNDC1. This offer expires 12/17/08.
================================
1. TOOLS FOR PARENTING TEENS
QUESTION: Our 6th grade son seems to have no real friendships. And I'm not even sure he wants them. Is this normal? Are there things my husband and I should be doing?
First, it's important to know that this is a very normal situation for a pre-teen or young teen boy. In fact, it has become substantially more common over the past decade. So, your son isn't "abnormal" on this one.
But, that doesn't mean it's a healthy situation. As a youth worker, it's been one of greatest new concerns I've had for my students in the last ten years. Boys, particularly (girls also, but to a lesser degree), are not learning the skills of friendship. Historically, I don't think we thought of children and teenagers as needing these skills – friendship just came naturally to them! But today's 10 – 14 year old is so often isolated, they've not learned the skills of friendship in their day-to-day lives.
Boys are naturally less expressive than girls (especially at this age). And our culture has told them "the strong, silent type" is a great male archetype. Even the U.S. Army, which, ironically has learned – out in the field – that soldiers can only succeed in teams, has been advertising this notion like crazy for a few years with their "Be an Army of one" campaign.
Add to these cultural notions the fact that today's pre- and young-teens have reaped most parents' desire to "cocoon", by having a house-full (or more likely these days, a bedroom-full) of toys intended for solo use: television, video-gaming systems, CD-players. Not that these things are all bad. But the fairly normal overuse of them has greatly contributed to this "loner" trend.
So, what can you do? Here are a few ideas:
- Encourage friendship groups. Often, the safest place for a boy to learn about friendship is in a group, not in a one-on-one friendship. Hopefully, one of the best places for this is in a healthy and active pre-teen or middle school program at your church. I know many parents who have chosen their church based on this factor alone!
- Service potential friendships. When you see any spark of potential friendship for your son, find ways to subtly encourage that spark. This doesn't mean talking about it like crazy! (that will only lead to retreat for most boys.) Instead, offer to drive them somewhere; suggest fun ideas for excursions and make them possible. Also, make sure you home is a "safe" place for your son to have a friend over: a place where he won't be embarrassed or treated like a little kid in front of his friends.
- Encourage your son, but don't nag. When your son spends time with a friend (or potential friend), say something positive – but keep it short and sweet. Lengthy speeches will feel like pressure or nagging, and will backfire on you.
- Pray like crazy!
**
Mark Oestreicher is the president of Youth Specialties (www.YouthSpecialties.com), the leading provider of resources and training for Christian youth workers. Marko speaks to parents, teens and youth workers around the world, and writes books (mostly for youth ministry and young teens). He lives in San Diego with his wife, Jeannie, and his two kids, Liesl and Max.
Learn more about or purchase "My Family" here:http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=230
*Save 30% off the retail price of "My Family" when you purchase it at the YS Store and use coupon code YPNDC1. This offer expires 12/17/08.
**
2. LINKS TO LEARN FROM
Are Kids Copying Their Parents When They Lie?http://nymag.com/news/features/43893/
3. INSIDE YOUR TEEN'S WORLD...Random things you may not have heard about...
A site dedicated to connecting millennials to non-profits and activismhttp://millennials.change.org/
News for tweens, by tweenshttp://tweentribune.com/
Buy and sell handmade itemshttp://www.etsy.com/
4. LEARN THEIR LINGO...Some slang and texting lingo for you to speak (or at least understand)
- All days = 24 inch rims for a car. "Did you see Jr. on them new 'all-days' he got?"
- Ball up = An exclamation stating the beginning of a basketball game. A statement clarifying that it is time to start or resume playing basketball now that everyone is ready.
5. A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT...AND HUMOR
"Seven days without laughter makes one weak."~ Mort Walker
copyright 2008 :: Youth Specialties300 S. Pierce St. El Cajon, CA 92020 888.346.4179
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Twilight Movie Review
The below movie review is taken from:
The Journal of Student Ministries - http://www.thejournalofstudentministries.com
Movie Review: Twilight
http://www.thejournalofstudentministries.com/articles/177/1/Movie-Review-Twilight/Page1.html
By Smitty Wheeler
Published on 11/25/2008
PG-13, 120 min.
Several years ago, I vaguely remember my tween-age daughter telling me about Twilight, a new book that she and her friends were reading. Mom had looked it over and assured me it was no big deal. Now, flash forward to opening night of the new big screen version of Twilight and I can tell you from being there, the words “Big Deal” are a HUGE understatement. At our nearest theater, young girls (and their moms) were in line two hours in advance of the theater doors opening and, on a national level, Fandango reported that they had been selling 5 Twilight tickets per second as of early Friday morning, “making Twilight online ticket-seller Fandango's fastest-selling film since The Dark Knight last July.” Yes, it’s a very big deal and the young ladies in your youth group will definitely be seeing this one.Overview: Twilight, while in many ways looking like your typical teen love story, definitely has some new twists. Klutzy, high school student Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) makes the move from her mom’s home in Phoenix, Arizona, to her dad’s in Forks, Washington. Her personality is that of a loner, but she quickly finds the students of her school reaching out to her since she’s “the new girl” in a town of just 3,000. The exceptions to this school wide outreach are the five teenage members of the Cullen family. These five pale, stunningly attractive students seem to have an unnatural magnetism and seem to be held in awe by the entire student body. Bella is drawn to Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) who shares the attraction but initially keeps his distance. The reason, we soon discover, is that Edward and his “family” are really vampires who've chosen to live as part of the human world. While they call themselves "vegetarians" because they only drink the blood of animals, we learn there is still a relentless hunger for human blood. So, as Edward is drawn to Bella romantically, he knows he should keep his distance because of the temptation she presents to the blood-thirsty monster inside him.
Is their forbidden love worth the danger?
Teachable Moments: There are a number of opportunities throughout the movie where you could discuss resisting temptation, including:
-Edward at first fighting his temptation to attack Bella, then his chivalrous desire to set physical boundaries for them. Don’t we as Christians have to set boundaries to avoid temptations?
-The contrast between how Edward resists the thought of making Bella like him and how Bella is completely willing to give herself to him and become a vampire so that she can be with Edward forever.
-The Cullen family making the moral choice to try and live their lives as mortals instead of exercising their ability to dominate those around them.
-The Cullen’s willingness to put themselves in danger to save Bella when she is threatened by marauding (non-vegetarian) vampires.
- There is a very interesting line in the movie, "Death is easy, life is harder." What does that really mean in our walk with Christ?
Viewer Discretion: Obviously this is a movie about vampires, which in and of itself, can be a problem for some Christians. In this movie, they are not representative of demons but are more a tool to set the stage for the forbidden love interest. The word hell and God's name are used a few times. The violence is primarily limited to one vampire fight scene where two vampires fight over Bella and then three of the “good” vampires join in and seem to “break the neck” of the bad vampire. We don’t see much, although they say they will need to “tear him apart and burn the pieces." There is some sensuality when Edward and Bella end up on her bed and get too carried away with their kiss. Edward retreats but then Bella and Edward spend a night—fully clothed and on top of the covers—next to each other on her bed. Finally, a mother asks her daughter if she's "being safe" immediately after hearing there's a boy in the picture.
General Appeal: If your kids are fans of the book Twilight, they’ll probably be thrilled at the movies release and will have seen it before you read this. It also goes without saying that tween and teenage girls will love this movie. From the screams as each character was introduced to the swooning as we first peered deeply into Edwards eyes, these girls were hooked.Most of the scattered boys (and Dad’s) in the audience were probably there because someone made them. However, as the credit rolled, they just may have come away with a greater appreciation of the movie than they originally thought they would.
The Final Grade: Entertainment value- C Ministry value- B
********************************************************************************************
-Below is taken from Youth Specialties
INSIDE YOUR TEEN'S WORLD...Random things you may not have heard about...
Study: Many Young People Want To Do Their Banking Over IMhttp://arstechnica.com/news.ars/post/20081118-millennials-driving-tech-adoption-in-financial-industry.html
Saying Goodbye to “TRL” http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081117/ap_en_ot/music_trl_finale
LEARN THEIR LINGO...Some slang and texting lingo for you to speak (or at least understand)
- Thrash = v. To win some form of competition by a large margin. “Dude, I thrashed Robert on the court!” 2. v. To harm, or to harshly disrespect someone or thing. 3. n. A style of metal rock music.
- Kicks = shoes
A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT...AND HUMOR
"I don’t believe professional athletes should be role models. I believe parents should be role models…"~ Charles Barkley
*********************************************************************************************
The Journal of Student Ministries - http://www.thejournalofstudentministries.com
Movie Review: Twilight
http://www.thejournalofstudentministries.com/articles/177/1/Movie-Review-Twilight/Page1.html
By Smitty Wheeler
Published on 11/25/2008
PG-13, 120 min.
Several years ago, I vaguely remember my tween-age daughter telling me about Twilight, a new book that she and her friends were reading. Mom had looked it over and assured me it was no big deal. Now, flash forward to opening night of the new big screen version of Twilight and I can tell you from being there, the words “Big Deal” are a HUGE understatement. At our nearest theater, young girls (and their moms) were in line two hours in advance of the theater doors opening and, on a national level, Fandango reported that they had been selling 5 Twilight tickets per second as of early Friday morning, “making Twilight online ticket-seller Fandango's fastest-selling film since The Dark Knight last July.” Yes, it’s a very big deal and the young ladies in your youth group will definitely be seeing this one.Overview: Twilight, while in many ways looking like your typical teen love story, definitely has some new twists. Klutzy, high school student Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) makes the move from her mom’s home in Phoenix, Arizona, to her dad’s in Forks, Washington. Her personality is that of a loner, but she quickly finds the students of her school reaching out to her since she’s “the new girl” in a town of just 3,000. The exceptions to this school wide outreach are the five teenage members of the Cullen family. These five pale, stunningly attractive students seem to have an unnatural magnetism and seem to be held in awe by the entire student body. Bella is drawn to Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) who shares the attraction but initially keeps his distance. The reason, we soon discover, is that Edward and his “family” are really vampires who've chosen to live as part of the human world. While they call themselves "vegetarians" because they only drink the blood of animals, we learn there is still a relentless hunger for human blood. So, as Edward is drawn to Bella romantically, he knows he should keep his distance because of the temptation she presents to the blood-thirsty monster inside him.
Is their forbidden love worth the danger?
Teachable Moments: There are a number of opportunities throughout the movie where you could discuss resisting temptation, including:
-Edward at first fighting his temptation to attack Bella, then his chivalrous desire to set physical boundaries for them. Don’t we as Christians have to set boundaries to avoid temptations?
-The contrast between how Edward resists the thought of making Bella like him and how Bella is completely willing to give herself to him and become a vampire so that she can be with Edward forever.
-The Cullen family making the moral choice to try and live their lives as mortals instead of exercising their ability to dominate those around them.
-The Cullen’s willingness to put themselves in danger to save Bella when she is threatened by marauding (non-vegetarian) vampires.
- There is a very interesting line in the movie, "Death is easy, life is harder." What does that really mean in our walk with Christ?
Viewer Discretion: Obviously this is a movie about vampires, which in and of itself, can be a problem for some Christians. In this movie, they are not representative of demons but are more a tool to set the stage for the forbidden love interest. The word hell and God's name are used a few times. The violence is primarily limited to one vampire fight scene where two vampires fight over Bella and then three of the “good” vampires join in and seem to “break the neck” of the bad vampire. We don’t see much, although they say they will need to “tear him apart and burn the pieces." There is some sensuality when Edward and Bella end up on her bed and get too carried away with their kiss. Edward retreats but then Bella and Edward spend a night—fully clothed and on top of the covers—next to each other on her bed. Finally, a mother asks her daughter if she's "being safe" immediately after hearing there's a boy in the picture.
General Appeal: If your kids are fans of the book Twilight, they’ll probably be thrilled at the movies release and will have seen it before you read this. It also goes without saying that tween and teenage girls will love this movie. From the screams as each character was introduced to the swooning as we first peered deeply into Edwards eyes, these girls were hooked.Most of the scattered boys (and Dad’s) in the audience were probably there because someone made them. However, as the credit rolled, they just may have come away with a greater appreciation of the movie than they originally thought they would.
The Final Grade: Entertainment value- C Ministry value- B
********************************************************************************************
-Below is taken from Youth Specialties
INSIDE YOUR TEEN'S WORLD...Random things you may not have heard about...
Study: Many Young People Want To Do Their Banking Over IMhttp://arstechnica.com/news.ars/post/20081118-millennials-driving-tech-adoption-in-financial-industry.html
Saying Goodbye to “TRL” http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081117/ap_en_ot/music_trl_finale
LEARN THEIR LINGO...Some slang and texting lingo for you to speak (or at least understand)
- Thrash = v. To win some form of competition by a large margin. “Dude, I thrashed Robert on the court!” 2. v. To harm, or to harshly disrespect someone or thing. 3. n. A style of metal rock music.
- Kicks = shoes
A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT...AND HUMOR
"I don’t believe professional athletes should be role models. I believe parents should be role models…"~ Charles Barkley
*********************************************************************************************
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